These are my thoughts on having children and are rather fragile. This post is not intended to garner sympathy, but rather is me working out my thoughts and feelings on the matter so that I can wrap my head around things and move forward. Because of this I am no looking for lectures or feelings of pity, I am also not writing this to offend anyone. If you think that you may want to lecture me or that you might be offended please do not read onward. Otherwise proceed forward.
Yesterday I learned that my sister in law, my brother's wife, is now pregnant. I am very excited for them, but it also fills me with pain and regret. These last few months I have been trying to get through the little hoops that I need to jump to finally get my first appointment with the fertility clinic. Unfortunately I need to have a few more tests and a PAP done and that info sent to the fertility clinic before they will schedule anything for me. Added on to this is the fact that the clinic has strange hours, or rather shorter ones than are really useful for me. It will mean that to go to the clinic I will either have to leave early from work, or I will need to go during my work day and work late. I figure that once I get my first appointment I can ask them about how long the regular appointments generally take. I also need to request another request form for the semen that is currently kept at the University of Utah Hospital.
It is difficult though, for me to realize that I failed again, or at least that is how it feels to me. I had wanted to get pregnant before my brother's wife did, I had wanted to have the second grandchild for my parents even if I could not have the first. But I was not successful. I know this may seem a strange way of looking at things but when you have tried, wanted and yearned for 9 years to have a child and have not been able to have one things get a little weird in your head. Considering some of the women I have seen that have had troubles having children I am doing pretty good with how I am taking it all. Heck, this time I didn't even cry, or at least I have not yet. And I don't feel like I am going to. I did when my sister got pregnant, but I think processing it through my head at that time and getting myself to a point where I was happy and excited for my sister has helped me for this time.
I feel more anxious to get started on the process now, and I am hoping that we are able to get pregnant from it all.
However, even though we are so close right now to the possibility of children, there is still the feeling of failure. When I was younger, still a child really, but close enough to adulthood that I was thinking about those things, I told myself that I would have children early, like my mother I would get pregnant right away and have kids that would grow up with a young mom. But then when I did get married we decided to wait, not long, we planned to have kids after about a year or so of marriage. And then before we could have kids, heck while we were trying to have kids, our world fell apart.
And now here I am, nine years later, just three days away from turning 29, and I am still childless, while both my siblings either have had a child or now have their foot on the road that leads to having a child. And they are 5 and 6 years younger than me. And it doesn't get easier, at church my best friend has two beautiful little boys and a lovely infant daughter. The lady who sat in front of me in Sunday School just had another baby, I don't know how many children she has but there are a lot. However, don't get me wrong, I am not angry at these women, I don't hate children, and I am happy to see families around me grow. But seeing the children reminds me of my lack, and my lack makes me feel as if I have failed in some way.
For the most part I am able to feel ok, I can keep my emotions in check and just push these thoughts from my mind. But there are times, there are comments that people make, there are situations that bring my feelings right up to the front of my mind.
Times like when they list off the activities available for all the women in my ward and most of them are play dates, or park play times. Times when I get together with a group of women from the ward and all they talk about is their children and what preschools they have them in and what they are doing to help them develop, and I sit in my corner knowing I can't join in. Or comments that are made, like that I wouldn't really understand because I don't have children, or assumptions made that I don't want children, or even questions as to why I don't have kids yet. The sad truth is, unless you are a woman or heck even a man in a couple who can not or have difficulties having children then you really don't understand what it feels like.
Lately the worst stress regarding this has come from Kevin, he is hitting a point where it is really beginning to bother him. He too is getting older and is beginning to worry if we will ever have children. However, because currently he has to wait on me to get to the fertility clinic he sees our lack of children as my fault. For me this is difficult because I have carried this pain for 9 years, I have wanted children for all that time, and yet have been unable. Not because I am incapable, but because he was shooting blanks, and that entire time I have supported him, I have never once laid the blame at his feet, instead we have moved through this trial together. So to have him suddenly turn on me is especially painful because through all of this he was the one person who helped hold me up. I can see where he is coming from, I can understand that as he has to wait on me to get in to the fertility clinic it is aggrivating for him because he can't do anything about it. However, it is still painful for me to have him blame me.
Though this is a long post on my feelings about being childless I really am doing pretty good. I am able to be calm for the most part and am able to keep myself from breaking down. I am able to get through those tough situations just fine and keep myself optimistic and happy. But there are times, like now where I just need to vent my feelings on the matter, just so I can get them out of my system and move on. For those of you who chose to read this, I don't feel sorry for anything I have said. If you have positive things to say regarding this, great, go ahead and make a comment. However if you do not please note that if you do comment that I will probably not listen to what you have to say, and may very well delete your comment. I have strong feelings about this topic, and I have had nine years to think long and hard on them all, people being insensitive is something I refuse to deal with.
