Christmas

It is late, and so I will not post entirely about Christmas. But it has come and gone and it was good this year. Davy's first Christmas. I will post more tomorrow, probably.

Love, true love

Davy seems to have always been a ladies man, I mean, when we would take him to church all the other babies girls would flock around his car seat. Then again I don't know if they were more interested in his toys or him, but the fact is, they flocked to him. He has had some good play sessions at church with little girls around his age. But none of them has he been absolutely entranced with like he is with his first great love. Oh yes, finally at ten months old he has found his first love. And she is beautiful. Four feet tall, shapely, with lots of bling. Now, now, before you get any wrong ideas she is a tree. A fake Christmas tree. One we got as a gift from my brother a few years ago. We opened the box for the first time this year, we hadn't really had any good reason to open it before. All our Christmases were spent with Mom and Dad and it was just us at home to enjoy any decorations. And last time we put up a tree, a little two footer, we left it up for about a year. But this year we have Davy, and I wanted him to have something pretty and Christmasy for his first Christmas. So we brought the unopened tree up from our basement, found the hand-me-down decorations that we have collected during our marriage, and spent a Davy nap time decorating.

Davy woke up to a lit and decorated tree. You could tell it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Better than the ceiling fan light, better than the lights at Nana's, oh yes, these lights were multi-colored, and small, and cool enough to touch. And the ornaments were dazzling, so fun to bat at and watch them spin. And then he found the ornament made from a bell, perfect for shaking. But not all of Davy's time can be spent held by Mommy next to the Christmas tree, and he hates it when he and his love must part. He fusses, and whips around to get a good view of the Christmas tree as we walk away, her beautiful lights reflected in his eyes.

Grateful for the people in my life

Recently we had the Sister Missionaries over for supper. While they were there Kevin mentioned that one of the Sister Missionaries from our last ward had recently lost her husband. She had completed her mission, gone home, gone back to school, met a guy, fell in love, gotten married and then eight months into their marriage she lost him to heart failure. Today I went over to her facebook page to read up on what had happened and to give her my condolences. Reading through her posts took me back ten years to when Kevin was fighting cancer. I remember the fear, the sorrow, the realization that I could be a widow so easily. My heart breaks for our friend and for the loss she has had. How awful to lose your best friend so early in your life together.

How blessed I feel that my story turned out differently, that my husband made it through his cancer and is still here with me. How blessed I feel to have our little boy, to have been given the gift of him in our lives. I need to remember to be thankful on a daily basis for the people in my life and that I still have them here.

Lowering the bar

This morning while we were still asleep I heard Davy wake up over the baby monitor, he turned on his mobile and started making the little noises he makes when he is talking to himself. As this can go on for hours before he actually wants someone to come in and get him I rolled over and went back to sleep. Then both Kevin and I were woken up by the sound of Davy falling down and then crying heavily, the way he does when he gets hurt. I jumped up and started to get a bottle ready, thinking that he had just fallen back against the crib while he was playing with his mobile (the mobile does not have the hanging parts attached anymore but the base still makes music so we leave it for him to play with). While I was getting the bottle ready I heard this knocking noise coming from Davy's bedroom door. But I figured it was him banging on the wall or something. Imagine my surprise when I opened his door and found Davy sitting there with a toy waiting for me! Turns out the sounds we had heard had been Davy crawling out of his crib. I took him back to the master bedroom and told Kevin and then took Davy back to the living room and laid him down with his bottle.

While Davy drank, Kevin and I looked at the crib and figured we could drop the mattress further. So we lowered the mattress and Kevin went back to bed. I watched Davy for signs of a concussion, but after playing and crawling and seeming to be fine I finally put him down again for his morning nap. In a much lower bed. Scary the things that babies put us through.

The end of the beginning

So Saturday I made a decision, I decided to stop breastfeeding. It was a difficult choice for me, but as Kevin and my mom pointed out, it is not like I am giving up. I breastfed him for almost a year, through quite a few really tough breastfeeding trials. I was put in the hospital twice, I had a breast infection, I was put on medication where I had to pump and dump for two weeks, Davy went on a nursing strike, not to mention the pain that comes with breastfeeding. It has been a tough nine months, but I made it through them. And besides, Davy has basically weaned himself off. Over the last few weeks Davy was less and less interested in nursing during the day and more interested in the bottle. It got to the point where I was only nursing him at night when he woke up. Then on Friday night I went to nurse him at Midnight, he would have none of it. He nursed and then screamed, nursed and then screamed, rinse and repeat about ten times and I finally had enough and got the bottle. He drank the bottle and then went to sleep. It was about 2 am at that point. So Saturday morning I decided that we were finally done. He was no longer really interested in nursing anymore, not during the day or at night. So the breastfeeding days were over.

I kind of miss it though now that the choice is made. Breastfeeding was a bonding time for Davy and me, both of us snuggled up cozy and warm on the rocking chair, both slightly dozing. But all things have to come to an end sometime.

Turns out it was really good timing, today while playing with Davy I felt the beginnings of his first tooth. And considering that teeth were a really big fear of mine in regard to nursing I am glad that we are done. Soon his little toother will pop all the way out and we will move on to a new phase in his life.

Wow

The things that have happened since I posted last. I went to write a post tonight, about something completely not having to do with the last few months and got a message saying "Restore previous post?" So I thought, "Oh what the heck, let's see what I was posting." This is what I found:

"What a night I had. Woke up in the middle of the night in intense pain. My first thought was, "I shouldn't have eaten right before going to bed." I woke up and came into the living room and eventually threw up everything I ate.

Update: The doctor thinks I have food poisoning, I have thrown up three times since last night. I feel awful, but am feeling better since taking some pain killer and throwing up. I just hope I feel well enough tomorrow that I can pick up Kevin's parents from the airport."


This would have been in March or so I think. Anyway it was around the time we had Davy's baby blessing. After that I ended up having intense pain followed by throwing up and feeling better quite a few times after that. Finally around April I went to the emergency room for it. I remember dropping the baby off at my parents, saying in a weak voice "Baby" to my mom, who told me that they would take care of the baby, and then we went up to Rockford to the hospital. I threw up along the side of the road on the way there. By the time we got to Rockford I was feeling better so Kevin and I got some food. Not long after eating the food I started feeling pain in my abdomen again. So we continued our journey to the emergency room, it seemed to take quite awhile for them to get me in, but once they did they did an ultrasound and after looking it over told me that it looked like I had gallstones that I was passing and that they were going to keep me in the hospital, do a few more tests and probably remove my gall bladder. Within the next eight days they starved me, did a CT scan on me, removed my gall bladder, and put a tube down my throat and cut a larger hole in one of my valves and released what they called "sludge". Then they sent me home.

Looking back I realize that I was stupid not to have gone to the hospital sooner. But I tend to tough out painful things and put them off as nothing. During the whole hospital stay I managed to pump and nurse when my parents brought Davy in. I am still nursing now.

Davy is currently breastfed with formula supplements. It is cheaper that way but after this whole year of breastfeeding adventures I would not say easier.

For my birthday I got a sewing machine and I have turned into a sewing fool. I have sewn a loopy ball, a loopy block, a stuffed axe, a ball for grasping, and am currently working on a terry cloth cat, a fake fur vest and a pair of leather boots, all for Davy. And I have patterns I have found online for many other things. All for Davy. Kevin thinks it is funny that all my interest at the moment is for Davy. And he is right, I shop for Davy, I craft for Davy, and I spend a good part of my day with Davy.

He is currently crawling, he just started, and he just began to start standing (with the support of different objects). He is beginning to be dangerous to leave unobserved.

Though it is stressful life is still good, and I am happy I have my family. So much has happened this year, and yet it feels like it is flying by. I am making Davy a viking costume for Halloween (thus the axe, fur vest and boots) and am excited about it all, as well as by the idea that we have Christmas coming up as well as his birthday soon. It seems so crazy that I began this year by having a little baby.

Blessings

Sometimes you don't really see the blessings that come until they plop right into your lap. So lately we have been on the poor side of things. We don't really have any extra money at all. Each of our pay checks go towards bills or food. So getting things for the baby doesn't really happen. And yet somehow every time that we need something it somehow happens. For example, right before we began to need a high chair for Davy I won a contest that got us a high chair. And right before we needed a home safe proofing kit I logged on to my Blue Cross Blue Shield account and discovered that I had enough points to order up a home safe proofing kit.

Blessings, they come in ways that you don't realize. Currently I am teaching Seminary. For those of you who are not Mormon this means that I am teaching a scripture study course every morning at 6 am to a group of teenagers. It is wiping me out, but it brings such a great spirit to our home, and I think it is good for us. Sometimes we find ourselves forced into doing what we need to be doing, and I think for Kevin and me this is it. It makes sense too, I have been praying for help with remembering to read my scriptures, well now I have to read them everyday to prepare my lessons. It is amazing the way God will bless you if you just live your life in a way that allows him to send the blessings your way.

Phobias

Before Davy I had lots of things I was scared of. Spiders, the dark, heights, monsters that hide in the dark, etc. Yes my imagination fed into a lot of those fears, but these were honestly things that scared me. Now that Davy is a part of my life my fears have changed drastically. I am still scared of spiders, but much less so than I was previously, we now have two large spiders that live on our garage door that I feed every time I find a stray bug to throw into their webs. I caught and released a jumping spider I found in our house and now find myself thinking about catching one and bringing it into my house to take care of our earwig problem. I find myself climbing up on things to do home improvement, the most recent of which was climbing on a chair to put letters up above Davy's closet, something I would have been fearful to do before. And I find myself in the middle of the night staggering through a dark house to get the baby and nurse him in the dark and then stagger back to my bed after he is done.

So what do I now fear? Well many of my fears have now changed. I fear that I may wake up one morning and find Davy dead in his crib from SIDS, I fear that he may get sick and die, I fear that he may choke on something and die, I fear that he may hurt himself and die. Do you see a pattern here?

Shortly after having Davy I went onto the Birth Board that I was part of (a forum board of women who were due during the same month that I was) I stumbled upon the baby picture thread and found in that thread a woman who had posted pictures of her twins who were stillborn. The pictures broke my heart, these little dead babies dressed up in beautiful clothes by their mourning parents. It made me fear for my own little one, scared that I could lose him, scared that one day I would wake up to a little dead baby. After so long of waiting for him, I don't know how I could take something like that. So I check on him every day and every night and make sure he is still alive and well. And I pray for him every night. I will be glad once he is past the SIDS risk.

Snatch and Grab

I have really gotten behind on writing about Davy. It is sad really because he is probably the cutest baby I have ever seen. Lately he has gotten really good at this thing called grabbing and he has been using his little hands to grab anything that comes into his personal space. And I think he has figured that if he doesn't grab it quick then he probably will have whatever it is taken away. So his current tactic is snatch and shove into mouth as fast as possible.

Monday (August 22) was my mom's birthday, Dad made her two lemon merange pies, but while he was making them she kept telling him that all she wanted was cake. Which was strange since she had asked for pies earlier. Anyway Dad had brought home fixings for cake but had made the pies. So Tuesday morning I went over and while Mom was distracted I stole the cake fixings and took them home. I made a two layer chocolate cake with coconut frosting in the middle and chocolate butter creme on the outside, then Kevin, Davy and I took the cake over to my parents to surprise Mom. Both she and Dad were surprised and we decided to have pie and cake. So Dad dished everyone up some pie and then we started to get the cake ready to be dished up. In the meantime Mom was holding Davy and had first let him touch the cake, so he had chocolate frosting on his hand, then she decided to let him touch a piece of pie, namely my piece of pie. She thought he would just touch it, like he had done with the cake, but instead he grabbed the merange, and when I say he grabbed it I mean he grabbed the entire thing off the piece of pie. Then in typical baby fashion he shoves it into his mouth and gets this "what did I just eat????" look on his face.

I don't know who eventually ate that piece of pie, but Mom did not make me eat it. I think it is hilarious what he grabs and eats. Today while feeding him he got impatient with how long it was taking me to put the spoon in his mouth, so he grabbed my hands and shoved the spoon in his mouth. These were of course banana baby food and baby rice cereal covered baby hands. So when food time was over both of us smelled like bananas and the dogs thought that we were both tasty.

I have more things to write about, but I will cover those things later, hopefully tomorrow.

TV Ruins Me

TV ruins me. Seriously it does. For example, today I am in the restroom and this huge jumping spider crawls out from behind the towel we have hanging up for drying your hands. Now when I say huge I mean huge in the size range of jumping spiders. Jumping spiders in general are pretty small little things most about the size of a pea, but this thing was about the size of a dime legs and all and it was black. Overall it was a neat looking thing, but it scared me, and I think I scared it. We both sized each other up and I, rather than grabbing a piece of convenient toilet paper and squishing it, looked it over and began talking to it. I was kind of stuck where I was for the moment and so I told it that I wasn't too happy to see it as I was sure it wasn't too happy to see me. Then I thought about Monster Bug Wars, a show that Kevin and I watch on Discovery Wild, and what that show says about jumping spiders. Very smart, very good predators, and as I watched it I realized that I didn't want to kill it, rather I wanted to get it out of my house, alive. So after I washed my hands I went and got a glass and a piece of paper and then trapped it and took it outside where I let it go. Later I sent a picture that I took of it to Kevin, who seemed genuinely shocked that I not only took a picture of the thing but caught it and let it go outside. Yeah, I am more of a scream and squish type person than a catch and release type person when it comes to spiders. TV is ruining me.

So a few days ago I was driving to my parents house and I saw this bird in the road, it was just sitting there in the middle of the road and when I drove by it didn't hop away, just sat there. So I turned my car around, parked it, and went and chased the bird off into the grass so it wouldn't get hit by a car.

Today I had a similar experience. I went over to my parent's house to visit my dad and when I was about a block away I came across a female mallard duck standing in the middle of the road, she moved away from my car slowly which seemed odd to me. But I went on to my parent's house and parked and got Davy out and stood around talking with my dad as he cleaned his garage and fixed up his work room. As I stood there I looked back down the street and saw the duck, still there in the middle of the road, dodging around cars and other vehicles that passed her but not really moving away from where she was. So I figured I would walk down there with Davy and see what was up. I scared her off the road and into the grass where I found an interesting thing, she had six chicks that were trying to follow her.

The subdivision my parents live in is new construction and around the lots they haven't yet built houses on they have put up little plastic fences, short enough to step over if you are a person but tall enough that you wouldn't ever be able to get over if you are a duckling. So I went back and told my dad about it and decided that I would gather up the ducklings and get them across the road for the mama duck. This was easier said than done. I chased the ducklings, which were all very good at running away and hiding from me. Eventually I caught them all, which confused the mama duck, as she could not see her ducklings anywhere. But she could hear them, so I led her across the road by walking with the box of ducklings and having her follow the sound. Eventually we all got across the road and into a protected area, and into an area that led directly to a pond that mama and babies could all take sanctuary in. I gently let the babies out of the box and the mama duck flew right to them and began walking like nothing had happened. And all the little babies lined up and followed her in the direction of the pond.

It really makes me think about what it would be like if I didn't have arms and couldn't grab my baby and couldn't easily protect him from nature and humankind and the elements and things that got in my way. What would it be like to give birth to him and know that I had to get him to safety but safety was a dangerous obstacle course away? It makes me grateful that I can keep him safe, and can keep him from harm. It makes me happy that I can help another mother out there keep her babies safe and get them to safety when she can't.

The adventures of Baby Davy

Click here to view this photo book larger

Time and the lack thereof

Having a baby I have found leaves a person with very little time. Things kind of go like this: Wake up to baby crying, change baby, feed baby, try to get baby to fall asleep again, while baby is asleep try to get things done, these things may include: cleaning, eating, sleeping or trying to de-stress. Baby usually wakes up during this time and everything starts again. This is why I boggle at the advice that you get as a new mom.

Sleep while your child is sleeping is something I have often heard. Problem is sleep is not something you can always do when you have other things that need to be done. Things like feeding yourself, doing laundry, washing bottles, washing dishes, trying to get the house looking somewhat presentable, etc. The feeding yourself part seems to be my greatest hurdle. My baby seems to have a inborn sense of when Mommy is trying to feed herself, because almost every time I start putting anything together for consumption is when he begins to fuss or flat out bawl. This has led me to wonder if the baby has some strange desire to keep me from eating. Logically I know this is not the case, but there is a part of me that wonders.

This leads me to my next topic, hysteria. When I was in high school I took a class where we covered Latin roots, prefixes and suffixes. And hyster was one that we discussed. The word hyster has to do with women, which is why hysterectomy refers to the removal of the uterus. It is also part of the word hysteria. This is because hysteria was generally attributed to women, or rather only women were the crazy ones, which is why they were not allowed to vote in ancient Greece and Rome. When I was younger I really wondered about this, women were just fine, there was nothing insane about them. Then I had a child.

Truthfully I was lucky, I went through In Vetro Fertilization (IVF) to get pregnant and during the fertility treatments I did great! No crazed hormonally imbalanced woman going crazy all over everyone. Then I got pregnant and nothing really changed. I was good, even keel, absolutely fine. Then the baby came and suddenly the hormone change happened. I had mood swings, a stress level that was insane, I snapped at my husband, it was terrible. Then I got medicated and things began to calm down. But I began to see why women would be considered insane.

Thankfully in my medicated state I have two sides to me, an emotional side and a rational side. The rational side keeps me chugging along like a normal well adjusted person and the emotional side leaves me in a squirmy pile of goo over my cute baby. But thank goodness for that rational side, otherwise I would probably start to believe certain things that come to my mind. Things like: The baby doesn't want me to eat, or the baby doesn't want me to sleep, or the baby is out to get me, or the baby hates me because he cries half the times he looks at me, etc. My rational side grabs onto those thoughts and says, "Really? That makes no sense at all. The baby has no idea about you eating, the baby just needs something and is communicating the only way he knows how to at this point, by crying." But I can see how someone could easily go off the deep end if they started to believe the crazy thoughts that come into your head when you have just had a baby. And it makes me wonder about what comes next.

Meds, PPD and Memory

For those of you who know me really well, or who have followed my regular blog for years you will know that I have a huge sense of denial about depression. Maybe denial is not the word exactly, but I have refused the idea that I could need depression meds for years. The reason? My entire family has at some point or another been on depression medication. Growing up my mom has had a long battle with depression starting with Post Pardum Depression after my brother was born. I remember her telling me that she thought she was going crazy. Eventually she went to her doctor and was put on depression medication. Over the following years we discussed as a family the fact that depression was often hereditary and we wondered which of us children would have it at some point. We all got married and moved out and then my Dad was put on depression meds as well. Then my brother was and then my sister. My mom would talk to me and say that I should probably be on them as well since the rest of the family was. But I never felt like I needed to be.

I have always been a rather happy person, and never felt like I needed medication to regulate my emotions. Was it denial? I don't think so. I think I was really fine the way I was. Then I got pregnant and instead of going through a sea of emotions like many women do I sailed through pregnancy without a hitch. I was even keel when it came to my emotions. Then I gave birth and suddenly the dam broke and a flood of emotions ensued. I became a basket-case, I cried at everything, was angry at everything else and was so stressed and frustrated that I felt like I was falling apart. As my mother had said to me previously in my life, I felt like I was going crazy. My doctor had asked me if I needed depression meds, but I was in denial and told myself that I would just tough my way through it all, like I did with everything else in my life. It all came to a head one night, the baby had been crying for three hours straight, I had been struggling with breastfeeding, he was resisting the breast, my breasts hurt terribly, and I was at my wits end. Kevin came home and I gave him the baby and started to get ready to go to bed. He got a bottle ready and began to feed the baby and handed me the baby to see if feeding a happy baby would help me. But the baby was not happy, he was still upset and began crying like he had been all night long. I couldn't handle it anymore and in frustration, stress and probably some insanity I screamed back at the baby. The baby stopped crying, looked at me with this horrified look on his face and began crying harder. I knew then that something was seriously wrong with me. I told the baby I was sorry, put the baby down, and went to bed after promising my husband that I would call my doctor in the morning.

The next day I called my doctor and after talking to her for a bit she prescribed me some depression meds. I started taking them on the 11th of March I think. The next week my in laws came to visit which I thought would increase my stress but actually helped to reduce it. Though having visitors can be stressful, having them out to help with the baby helped reduce my stress quite a bit. And it gave the meds time to kick in. So now here I am feeling much better, less stressed, less frustrated and more clear headed, more able to enjoy my little baby. Now if only I could remember things.

It must be something about becoming a mother, my mom says it is from giving birth, but either way since having David I have been incredibly forgetful. To the point where I forget things I say, forget what I did the day before. Everything seems to just run together. Maybe it is due to lack of sleep. Maybe it is due to stress. Whatever is causing it though I must admit that I miss my memory.

Early Motherhood

Early motherhood, that special time when everything is saggy. Your happy little tummy now looks like a deflated beach ball, and when they are not full of milk you boobies look like smaller versions of your tummy. Just the other day my mom was over and she said, "Are you wearing a bra?" and I said, "Yes, but I just pumped so they are extra saggy right now."

I have come to the conclusion that motherhood is made up of pain and responsibility. Giving birth hurts, healing from giving birth hurts, breastfeeding hurts, pumping hurts, and what doesn't hurt slowly leaches away at your sanity. The baby cries and you feel obligated to go get him, pick him up and comfort him, but sometimes you just can't figure out what is wrong.

Obligatory Picture Post

So I figured I needed to post some pictures of Davy, since I have not posted any as of yet. I will probably post most of this behind a cut for those with slow connections.

So awesome!

I just wanted to write a post about how awesome Kevin is. I know I get frustrated with him a lot but all in all he is pretty great! When I look back on the last few months I find it incredible how much he has done. Not only did he get this house pretty much put together with the help of my dad, but he has helped me out in so many ways.

Before the baby he was the perfect husband, anytime I asked him to get something for me he would pretty much do it. And maybe as a pregnant woman I took advantage of that at times, but he didn't complain about it, ever. And when we went to the hospital to have the baby, my parents came and though it was nice having them there it was also a bit frustrating. Mostly because now that we were in the hospital they were focused on the baby completely. So when I was in discomfort they were like, "Yay, that means the baby is coming." Kevin though was immediately there for me, making sure to be there for me the entire time. Don't get me wrong, when it got down to it my mom really stepped it up and was awesome, but from the very beginning Kevin was there for me through it all. When the epidural failed he was the first one to realize that something was wrong and was immediately at my side making sure I was ok. After the baby came he took care of him for me so that I could get sleep. To the point where he changed every single dirty diaper that Davy had while we were at the hospital. Every single one.

Since we have come home Kevin has really been a good dad, yes there are times where I get frustrated and I wish he would do more. But for the most part he has been amazing. He has never turned me down when I have asked him to change a diaper, he is more than willing to feed the baby if I need him to. He loves to hold the baby, and almost every night he stays up till 2 am or 3 am and sometimes 5 am taking care of the baby so that I can get some uninterrupted sleep. How many husbands would do that? Really? To tell the truth because he does that we have better sleep than most new parents. I sleep from about Midnight to sometime around 7 am, 8 am, or 9 am and Kevin sleeps usually from 2 or 3 am till 9 am, 10 am, or 11 am. Not too bad considering. And Davy sleeps most of the night, which for being so young is really awesome for us.

All in all Kevin helps me keep my sanity, and has helped me to stay pretty stable during these first 3 weeks. And that in my book counts him as pretty darn awesome!

A while ago I heard a song on the Christian Rock station that reminds me of Kevin, and I wanted to share it:

Breastfeeding revisited

Davy is doing so much better at breastfeeding. I have been able to get him to nurse at almost every feeding now. We usually finish him off with the bottle, but on average he has been feeding for 15 minutes on each side. That is 30 minutes nursing total per feeding session. Yay!! I still pump after each feeding, which means that the whole feeding thing (if Kevin is not around) takes a long time. But it was already taking a long time anyway.

One thing I have learned with having a baby is that formula stinks! And I mean it really smells, to the point that I have almost puked from the smell of it. Yuck! Breast milk on the other hand smells just fine, hardly any aroma to it at all, and if there is an aroma the best I can describe it as is sweet. I guess different women's milk looks different, meaning it comes in different colors. Some is white, some is yellow, some (depending on what they eat) can be slightly green and I have even read of some which after eating certain things came purple. Mine, according to my husband and my mom looks like sweetened condensed milk. All I know is it keeps the baby fed and happy. If only it didn't leave me feeling like a miniature cow. Seriously, if I am not feeding the baby I am hooked up to a machine that milks me, and when it is done I hand milk myself to make sure to get anything the machine missed.

Ah well, at least the baby gets fed and that is what matters to me. I do wish it didn't hurt quite so much though. OUCH!

Breastfeeding

Davy breastfed twice during the last two feedings. He fed for probably about 30 minutes last night during his 3/4 am feeding time and then he did the same thing this morning at his 8/9 am feeding. I let him feed until he unlatched and then finished him off with the bottle. Considering that he hasn't breastfed regularly yet this is a big success for us. Not that it really makes things any easier. I still need to pump after he feeds, and I still need to make plans for when I have to go back to work. Which is at the beginning of March. I know I still have three weeks left (mostly) but it seems like my maternity leave is going by so quickly.

I don't really want to go back to work, even though it will be working from home still. I still don't feel like I have enough time in the day with everything the baby throws at me. Something that would seem like a quick little process turns into a big production. Take last night. My mom comes over so I can take Kevin's laptop to him at work since he forgot it at home. Baby wakes up while I am gone, so my mom feeds him and then he falls asleep. She leaves and like always after my parents leave, Davy wakes up. I change him, and then feed him again because he is acting hungry. He seems to finish eating so I go to put the bottle away, as I am in the kitchen he gets the "I am going to throw up" look on his face and then proceeds to throw up what looks like everything he ate while I fed him and while my mom fed him. (a huge waste of milk, ugh!) I go to clean him off and end up changing his diaper while I am at it, while doing that he proceeds to pee all over himself, so I end up having to give him a bath. By the time he is cleaned, changed, in new clothes and calmed down a huge amount of time has passed. All my plans for the night (cleaning the rest of the kitchen, making bread, making a dinner for myself other than a frozen meal) has gone out the window.

And currently the little guy is crying, but I am still hooked up to the pump. So finish pumping and then see if I can get him to go back to sleep.

Emergency Room

As those of you who follow my facebook know I ended up in the emergency room Thursday night. It was due to chest pain. It started late Thursday night as I was feeding Davy, it felt like pressure in my chest. Almost like someone was sitting on it from the inside. Needless to say I kind of freaked out. I laid Davy down to see if lying down myself would help things. It did not. Davy had not been laid down properly, aka waiting till he fell asleep and such so he was screaming and I was lying there hoping the pain went away and wishing I could hold Davy and calm him down. I finally got back up and picked him up and after more chest pain I finally freaked out enough that I called my mom and asked her to come over. Usually I would just tough things out and not really worry too much about stuff but the idea of Davy without a mom freaked me out enough to seek out help.

When my mom came over she told me to call up my doctor and see what they told me. Of course my doctor wasn't there at that time of night but I did get an answering service that had a doctor on call give me a call. The doctor talked to me, and talked to my mom, and then said that I should go to the emergency room just in case. So I called Kevin up and told him to come home and take me to the emergency room. It was about 5 minutes till he got off of work anyway, so it worked out ok.

We had to go to Rockford for the emergency room so it was a 30 minute ride, Kevin was pretty worried the entire trip there. When we got there they took me in and hooked me up to an EKG machine. Then they moved me into room, gave me an IV, took some blood, did a chest X-ray on me, and eventually gave me a CAT scan. The CAT scan required them to inject iodine contrast into my blood, and because of that I had to pump and dump for the next 24 hours. It seemed like such a waste of milk. Thankfully I had some frozen milk so Davy has had less formula than he would have had otherwise. As it is though I am still behind. I need to get my milk supply going again. While I was in the hospital I wasn't able to pump until the very end, such a painful time, I ended up leaking all over my hospital gown and down my chest as well. Not fun at all.

After all the tests it turns out that I have bronchitis, they gave me a prescription for antibiotics, as well as an inhaler. Davy is doing well, he was watched by my mom Thursday night/Friday morning. Both Kevin and my mom worked together to help me get a lot of sleep once I got home. I am feeling a lot better today, I just wish I wasn't so behind on milk production.

The best husband for the job

I keep finding myself wanting to write about this, mostly because I have heard about husbands in the labor and delivery room who make the experience awful. Specifically I keep seeing commercials for the TV show "One born every minute" which follows women through the labor and delivery process. For the teaser clip they show a few scenes of the women in the labor and delivery room waiting for the baby to come and it shows the husbands and what they are doing and saying, and they are awful! One man plays around on his phone while his wife has contractions, one man tells his wife that he is bored and that the baby needs to come now. And it causes me to reflect on my experience.

As I mentioned before my epidural failed during my delivery, and it failed right as the transitional contractions were underway. Which means that I was dropped from a relatively pain-free experience right into the worst of it all. Kevin was the first one to realize that I was experiencing pain. And he realized it from the expression on my face. The moment he realized I was in pain he was immediately at my side holding my hand and saying comforting things to me. The next few hours were filled with pain, pushing, crying and a severe wanting on my part for the baby to be out of me so that the pain would stop. And all through it Kevin was at my side, holding my hand, saying comforting things to me. One of my favorite things he said, and kept saying was, "You are so beautiful." And he meant it, I could tell from the expression on his face when he said it. I have heard about women cursing at, screaming at, yelling at, punching, calling names, and many other things to their husbands, but when you have someone sitting there holding your hand, stroking your hair, and telling you that you are beautiful how can you get mad at that person?

As we got into the pushing I had to lean forward with each contraction, grab my legs and push for all I was worth for a count of ten. I was exhausted though, and could barely keep my eyes open let alone lean forward, and grab my legs. Thankfully both Kevin and my mom were there to help me. Kevin stood on one side and my mom on the other and together they would lift me up so that I could grab my legs, then they would help me lower back down and hold my hands after the contraction was over. They both kept telling me to squeeze their hands, but I hardly had the energy for that, I guess I did squeeze their hands hard at some point because I broke open the skin on my mom's hand with my nails at some point, and I almost did the same to Kevin. I probably could have made it through labor without my mom and Kevin, but I don't feel like it. They were a big necessity for me during the whole process. The doctor and the nurse kept telling me to get mad so that I would have more energy for the pushing, but I just couldn't get myself angry, yes I was in pain, but I had such a great support group there helping me that I just couldn't find anger in myself. Either way I got the job done and little David is here. It seems strange to think he has been here a week already. And even stranger to realize that yesterday was his official due date. It is good to have him here, I am so grateful for that little guy.

The I gave birth, before everything really got started Kevin went out to get some things. He came back with two dozen roses and a vase for them. He took of all the thorns when he got to the hospital and then set the flowers up for me. Everyone who came into the room stopped to smell them. The next day my parents came with flowers as well. It is one thing I remember clearly about my mom giving birth to my brother and sister, she got flowers. I am so thankful to both Kevin and my parents for remembering that and making sure I had flowers. They are so wonderful!

A latch! Nursing strike over?

I just went to feed Davy, I started with a bottle of 2 oz of breast milk that I had pumped today. After he had drank one ounce I burped him a bit and then offered him my left breast in a cradle position (different from the football hold that seemed to traumatize him so much), and he latched on and nursed for about 5 to 10 minutes! I was so happy because this may be the start to the end of the nursing strike. I waited till he unlatched himself and seemed to be done with that breast, then I offered him the other. He latched and sucked for maybe a minute, but then he got fussy and so I took him off to keep him from having more bad experiences with nursing. I gave him a little more of the bottle and then burped him again, he seemed to be done so I held him for a little while, but after not too long he was looking to suck on something again (he likes to eat his hands) I was going to put him down to sleep so I could pump but he started getting so upset that I figured, why not try it? So I put him in the football hold and put him on my right breast, and he latched and ate for about 5 minutes or more on that breast too! Yay! We will see if we can continue this trend, if so it will help out a lot, not only with my milk production but also with all the stress involved in the nursing strike. Who knew I would be so happy over my baby nursing?

Nursing strike, baby blues, and peace at last

Since the second day we had him Davy has been fussier than he was on the first day. At first we thought that it had to do with his circumcision, but when we took him in to his first doctor's appointment on Monday we discovered it was because he was hungry. My milk hadn't come in yet, and he wasn't getting as much nourishment as he needed. The doctor advised us to supplement with formula until my milk supply came in. So we went home and gave him his first bottle. And then my milk came in so I pumped and we gave him some of the pumped breast milk in a bottle, and then later Kevin gave him another bottle of formula, in total he had four bottles of formula/breast milk. Fast forward to 3 am on Tuesday morning, I am sitting in the living room with Davy, trying to get him to take my breast. And he wants nothing of it. One day, one day with bottles ruined it all. I ended up feeding him breast milk in a bottle and then taking all my stress out on Kevin. Poor Kevin. We didn't get back to sleep until about 7 am or so.

Tuesday I spent the day from 9 am to about 5 pm trying to get Davy to take the breast again. But he was having none of it. He screamed, and cried and screamed some more. Scrunched, angry baby face was the Davy face I was coming to know. Finally at 5 pm I had enough, I had done everything. I had called his doctor for help (advice, keep trying), I had looked online (advice, keep trying), I had tried every hold that La Leche League shows, I tried different latch techniques, I tried nursing skin to skin, I tried pumping first to get my milk flowing and then tried to get Davy to nurse, I tried putting milk on my nipple to entice him, I tried every single thing that I could find for advice to get my baby to nurse. And Davy just screamed harder and harder. I knew he was getting really hungry and nothing was working and he was starving.

So I finally broke down and did what Kevin told me all day not to do. I gave him a bottle of pumped milk. I let him drink until he wasn't screaming anymore then took the bottle away and offered my breast, and he latched on and sucked for about 1 minute tops, but he still latched on for the first time since we gave him his first bottle. Yay!! This achievement made me feel happier than it really should have, but it relieved so much stress for me. So now I have been pumping and feeding him off my pumped milk, and at each feeding pulling out the breast and having him sniff it and play with the nipple and sometimes even latch on for a bit. I figure it will take time before he actually nurses from me again, but hopefully it will happen eventually.

In the meantime I had to buy new pumps. The lactation consultant that I called on Tuesday called me back and we talked this morning about Davy's nursing strike and what I can do about it. And she told me I did exactly what I should have done. And that I am doing what I need to do to get him back on the breast. Then we talked about pumps, and I mentioned that my pump was getting about 2 oz from each breast in about an hour's time sometimes two hours. She told me I needed to get a hospital grade pump and that there were a few places I could call to rent one. The pumps she was speaking of were Medela pumps. Which I had thought about buying but hadn't because I couldn't conscience buying a breast pump for that much money. But the rental costs would have added up to that amount in just a few month's time. So today we went to the store and bought an electric Medela pump and a hand held manual Medela pump. On the way home I pumped each breast for 15 min with the hand held manual pump, and I got about 3 1/2 oz total breast milk. So tonight I have put together the electric pump and in a 15 min pump session I got another 4 oz total (2 oz from each breast). What a relief, and how nice that it went so quickly instead of the 2 hours I am used to with my other pump.

So hopefully Davy will eventually get off the nursing strike and get back on my breast, but in the meantime it is nice to finally have a quality pump that does what I need it to and will give Davy the food he needs until he does begin nursing again.

With everything that has been happening, what with Davy crying all the time (which he does much less now that he is getting enough food), and the nursing strike and just the stress of being a new parent, oh and the hormones too, I have been having the baby blues. For the past few days I have been so sleep deprived, so emotionally compromised, and so frustrated that I have basically been on the verge of tears 24/7. It is kind of funny what I find myself crying over. The dance numbers on the show "Live to Dance", commercials, the other night my parents and I watched the movie "Secretariat" and every time the horse ran I cried. Much of my crying has happened while I held Davy and wished that I could do something for him, this resulted in he and I sitting there crying together. It has made Kevin a good bit jumpy as he doesn't know when I am going to have a meltdown next.

Speaking of Kevin, he has been awesome with everything. Yes he has had his tough spots as well, times where he got just as frustrated as I was, but overall he has been very supportive. He has happily helped by holding the baby, changing diapers, taking care of the baby, feeding the baby (with bottles), comforting me when I have a meltdown, listening to me when I get frustrated, called for help when I really needed it (aka. got my parents to come by), and in general staying mostly calm and mostly reasonable through all this. Not all new fathers are like him, I know this. There are some fathers who refuse to change diapers, period. He changed all the diapers for Davy when we were in the hospital. I helped with one, but he was really the one that did them all. He has changed many diapers since we got Davy home as well. It really makes me appreciative for how awesome Kevin is. He really is one of my heroes.

All of this crazy baby stuff seems to finally be calming down a little, enough that I don't feel like I am going crazy anymore. And the little bit of calm makes me feel really good. Much better than I have felt for a while now. I don't think I will be completely ok for awhile still, but for now I will take what I can get.

The epidural, it does nothing!!

The last few days have been rather wild. Wednesday was nice. We ran some errands, ate out for the last time without a baby, and then went over to the hospital to check me in for delivery. That night they started my antibiotics for the Strep B and put in the suppository that would thin out my cervix. I slept in the hospital be and Kevin slept in the chair they had for visitors. It was a rough night sleeping for both of us. In the morning I discovered that my suppository had come out on its own. Around seven or eight am they started me on Pitocin which starts the inducement. I started having serious hip pain and got the epidural started at 11:30 am. Around 1:30 pm or so my doctor showed up and broke my water for me. The contractions started and at first I couldn't feel them. Then it seemed that the epidural started to wear off. I began to feel a little pain at first, and then I began to feel the contractions a little and then a little more. Soon I was feeling the full contraction, as if I didn't even have a pain killer in me at all. It hurt, a lot. Kevin was there for me from the beginning, he held my hand and stroked my hair and told me I was beautiful. He was awesome. The anesthesiologist came back and gave me three more doses, which worked for a bit and then faded again. Around 5 pm or so my doctor showed up again and the real fun started. I was feeling the full contractions, except they weren't natural contractions they were pitocin induced contractions. They were so painful. Eventually they got to a point where I felt like I was needing to push. Kevin and my mom helped me by holding my hands and lifting me into position when I needed to push. The nurses seemed surprised at how much I pushed, they called me a "super pusher", I just wanted it all to be over. I got to a point where I kept saying, "I just want him out of me" or, "Can you just grab his head and pull him out?" I really just wanted it all over. I was so tired that I could hardly keep my eyes open during it all. After a lot of pushing David finally came out, it was such a relief. My doctor had to cut me during delivery so that I wouldn't tear, so after everything was done she also had to stitch me up, which I also felt even with the pain killer that the doctor gave me.

While the doctor stitched me up Kevin and my parents took pictures and held David. Eventually all the stitching was done and they allowed me some time with David before they took him for his bath. While he was gone they took me to my post natal room. I got a little bit of sleep last night, and a little bit of sleep today. Looking forward to getting a little bit more if I ever get the chance. Either way Davy is here and we are happy to have him. You can see a link to his birth announcement below.
http://community.babycenter.com/announcements/6f24e0dfe18054a878acaa9a4551930d

Natural or Induced?

Went to the doctor today and my protein levels were up in my 24 hour urine test. And I had some pre-e symptoms on Sunday. However, the rest of my tests were good and my urine test today came back negative for protein. My doctor said though that she doesn't want to let me go to my delivery date because so far we have been lucky with the pre-e that is has been not really bad, we have been able to get the baby to full term without the pre-e getting bad. So she stripped my membranes which can sometimes start labor. And she scheduled me to be induced on Thursday morning.

So unless I go into labor tonight I will be going to the hospital on Wednesday night to prepare for the induction. Bags are all packed, I am pretty much ready for the hospital, just need to get everything into the car, get the car seat installed in the car and go there tomorrow at 8 pm. I am excited for it to all happen, and yet I am also pretty scared about it all. Tomorrow night the pain begins and doesn't end for quite awhile. Pray that it all goes well. I will probably not be posting again until after the baby is here.

Appointment and Tests

Yesterday I had another doctor appointment and I had tests run. I got a pee bucket to fill again. At my doctor appointment my urine came back with a +1 protein again for the second time this week. So my doctor said that she is going to look at my 24 hour urine test and if it is getting worse aka. more protein then she is going to induce me. I will be 38 weeks tomorrow and am currently "full term". So next week we should see whether I will be induced or allowed to go into labor naturally. Either way I am fine. I am feeling more ready for Davy to come. This is the update for now.

Contractions

So Friday night I started to have some stronger contractions and they happened more frequently than usual. Turns out they were Braxton Hick (practice contractions) but they still sort of freaked me out. I spent Saturday getting things together for the hospital. Didn't get everything together, so worked on packing and finding more stuff on Sunday. My biggest problem is that the pajamas nightgown that I got especially for the hospital is nowhere to be found. I have checked every clothes box that Kevin has brought me and looked through all the suitcases that we used for moving clothes from one house to the other. I am going to next have to go through all the clean clothes that Kevin has washed since we have been here. Everything is in such disorder that I feel like I can't find anything, and I am not allowed to move any of the boxes, so that just makes me more frustrated. Last night I finally just got so fed up I grabbed the edge of a box and pulled it off the box it was sitting on.

Last night we did get a lot done though. We finally got our bed up on the frame. It had been laying on the ground because one of the wheels on the frame got lost in the move. Thankfully replacement wheels were cheap. We moved my dresser from one side of the room to the other, and brought the bassinet in. I organized my bedside table, charged both the camcorder and the camera, got them packed and ready to go. All the baby stuff is ready to go as well, except for the car seat. Now it really just comes down to me. I have changes of clothes in there, but I still need change of underwear, probably some socks, and I need to get all my toiletries together. I have most of them together but there are a few things still missing. I also need to get the baby stuff packed in a bag of some sort.

I am a bit nervous that I will go anytime now. Tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment. She is planning on checking the growth, and doing an NST as well as a vaginal exam. I wonder if I have dilated further. I need to ask her a bunch of questions about labor and delivery. Like what frequency of contractions before I got to hospital, what is the exact address for the hospital, is there someone there I can ask about parking and so forth, can I pre-register, etc. Then I really need to see about going on a tour of the hospital. I am hoping I might be able to do that tomorrow. Also I need to get the paperwork together for maternity leave. Ugh and I need to send in the paperwork for the short sale/deed in lieu. Blah, so much to do, so little time. Is it any wonder I want this baby to wait?

Week 37

Week 37 starts tomorrow. In week 37 I am considered "full term" which means that all of the baby's organs and stuff are fully developed and that the remaining weeks will be used for packing on the ounces of fat.

Last week my doctor had me do a 24 hour urine test (again) to see if protein is still showing up. Protein is still in my urine for the 24 hour tests, but when I go in to see the doctor my urine tests are showing negative for protein. I was also tested for Strep B, and the doctor gave me a vaginal exam. Turns out I am dialated 1 1/2 cm. Strep B results came in this week, turns out I have it, which I kind of figured I did after being told I had it earlier in my pregnancy.

This up coming week I have two appointments with my doctor. The first is on Tuesday and will include an ultrasound (to measure liquid and growth), an NST to check the baby's heartrate and an OB visit that will probably include another vaginal exam.

I have been having Braxton Hicks contractions lately, my doctor said they are normal and shouldn't be a point of concern unless they begin to get regular.

This morning I put together a birth plan that I can take to the hospital with me. I made sure to choose one that said straight out that I have Strep B. Strep B will require that I have antibiotics administered when I go into labor and I want to make sure that the nurses know it. Baby Davy has been moving around a lot, it will be fun to meet him when he comes out.

Plans for the next three weeks:
~I need to pack my hospital bag with all the essentials for labor and delivery.
~I need to make sure I have everything ready to go before the baby comes.
~We need to move the dog kennels out of the baby's room and into the spare room.
~I need to wash the baby clothes in prep for the baby coming.
~I need to look at the e-mail I got from HR regarding maternity leave and look into preparing for that.
~I am not going to be able to make it to the birth class I signed up for so I need to see about touring the hospital before the birth.
~I need to see about cleaning the baby's room before he comes, it is currently a bit of a mess with all the moving.
~I need to clean our room so that we can get the bassinet in there.
~I need to get a baby book set aside so that I can get the baby's foot prints at the hospital. (I am thinking of doing a digital baby book and am wondering about printing off a page for the foot prints)
~I need to put together a list of things that I need to make sure get done while I am in the hospital (things like: naming baby, registering for baby's SSN, meeting with lactation counselor, etc.)

My sister, her husband and my niece Sydney visited these last two weeks, it was fun to see them all but I caught a cold from them. So I have been a bit out of it all. Hopefully I get better before the baby comes. In the meantime I am getting lots of rest (as much as I can) and drinking fluids.