Friday, November 30, 2012

Uh oh

Lately Davy has been saying a lot more. For some reason he calls milk "nose" but when he wants milk he will run to the baby gate and say "nose", he will ask for goldfish crackers by pointing to the box and saying "fish", and just today he started saying, "Uh oh, where did it go?" when looking for a toy. What was really funny about this is that he would hide a toy or throw a toy or lose a toy and then walk around saying, "Uh oh, where did it go?" Not only is it super cute but it is one of the longest sentences I have heard him say so far.

Today he threw two sippy cups into our spare room and counted them as he threw them. One, two...smart kid. One of his favorite songs right now is the ABC song. He knows all his letters already but he loves to sing the song with me, and is beginning to get the hang of singing his letters instead of saying them. He also loves a counting song from one of the shows he watches. It is pretty cute.

On the pregnancy front, so far everything has been going well, I just can't believe that December starts soon and that I basically have just a little over a month before my due date. So crazy.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Wishes for Sons

Lucille Clifton wrote a poem called Wishes for Sons, when I was in college I remember reading it and loving it. It basically wishes them the hardships of being a woman.

Pregnancy is a strange thing, when I was pregnant with David I remember wanting a girl. As the oldest child in my family I liked being where I was in the birth order. I liked being a girl and I liked being the oldest. I liked the person it made me. And I wanted to have a daughter who had that too. I wanted a little girl as my first baby. In fact I wanted it so bad that I almost refused to believe the anatomy ultrasound that told us it was a little boy. I had convinced myself so well that I was having a girl that I really didn't want to believe that I actually was having a boy. And then he came.

As I wrote in my last post there is something amazing that happens when you have your children, a type of love that you just can't explain. And it doesn't hurt that Davy is an exceptionally sweet little boy. He is crazy and busy and wild and full of mood swings and life, but with all that comes a certain wonderful sweetness that I never expected. There are times where he will climb onto my lap and snuggle with me for a good long time. Different little things, little actions that he takes that shows me without a doubt that this little boy loves me and is a little sweetheart. And having a child like him makes me nervous about what is to come.

This pregnancy I am pregnant with a little girl. I had a feeling that I was from the very start, but having learned my lesson with Davy I didn't believe it until I had the ultrasound. And ironically I haven't been as excited about it all as I was expecting to be. I mean I wanted a girl, I really did. But there was a part of me that was ok with another boy, a part that actually really wanted another boy, because I knew what to expect. But there is still that part of me that is thrilled that I am having a girl. Someone I can bond with, someone I can become great friends with similar to how I am great friends with my mom. But there is also this huge fear in me that we will have a mother daughter relationship that is filled with arguments and anger. One of the young women in my ward told me that my daughter will hate me when she is a teenager. What a terrible proclamation on my mother daughter relationship before it has even begun. For the most part I have put the comment to the side knowing that it probably stems from the fact that this particular young woman does not get along very well with her own mother. I personally had a fantastic relationship with my mom when I was a teen. She was always a good friend of mine and still is. However, the comment has caused a good amount of fear in me, that my daughter and I may not get along.

When it really comes down to it though I learned a lot about parenting from my own parents. And one of the best things I learned was, no matter what your child does, no matter how irresponsible or stupid or aggravating it is, the most important thing you can do for them is to love them no matter what. There is a lot we can learn from Christ and his father, our Heavenly Father, they love us no matter what. They may not be particularly proud of the choices we make, but they love us still.

Life is a test, a test to see how we will do before we come back to God. And parenthood is a test to see how much we can model ourselves after God and the way he chooses to parent. I am so happy for all the children I have, sons, daughters, however many of either I end up having. And my wish for them, no matter who they are or what they do is that they will be able to feel the love I have for them and know how much I love them, no matter what.

Monday, November 26, 2012

Reflections on being a Mother

Today I watched the movie Brave. Maybe it is because I am pregnant and therefore more emotional, or maybe it is just that being a mother opens those emotional floodgates but there were quite a few times I found myself crying during the movie. Mostly it was due to my feelings as a mother and my feelings for my children.

I have been thinking about motherhood quite a bit lately, and I find it interesting what I have come to as I gather more and more time as a mother. Maybe these thoughts come to me because I have had a good amount of time in life to accept adulthood and my role as an adult. It was somewhere in my early twenties that I finally came to the point where I felt like an adult. It is ironic to me that most people today don't really regard someone as an adult until they reach their 30s or so. It seems almost ridiculous. Especially considering that they assume that people will do stupid things in their 20s and then become responsible in their 30s. Truth is, your teen years are the time for you to be stupid, by the time you leave for college you need to really start making the transition into thinking about the world with an adult frame of mind. Either way, by the time I was in my late 20s I was pretty sure that I felt like an adult, and couldn't really have more growing up to do. And why was it that other adults who had children didn't really treat me as quite equal to them. I had gone through hard things, I had grown substantially, I felt like a responsible adult. Why then did they treat me as if I was lacking some essential component to make me into a full adult. Then I had David and it all clicked into place.

When I was a child and into my teens I viewed the world as a giant puzzle, when things made sense, when things people had talked to me about but really hadn't fully made sense finally came together and clicked I saw it as a puzzle piece finally finding its place in the puzzle and clicking into place. I could almost hear the clicks as it happened. David was one of those puzzle piece moments. Sure it didn't happen all at once, but very shortly after having him I saw exactly why other adults with children still treated Kevin and I as if we weren't quite adults yet. Because we really weren't. We were almost full adults, but not quite.

There is something about parenthood that changes a person. I am sure that it doesn't happen for every person out there, but for the good parents I am pretty sure it does. Suddenly you are given a type of responsibility that you have never had before. Responsibility that doesn't just go away. And day by day that responsibility changes and grows and becomes something different. Everyday is slightly different than the last with new discoveries and challenges. And you have this little person who loves you and learns from you and who you find you love more than anyone you have ever met so far. And that, that is really something.

I was talking with Kevin about it the other day. When you are a child you love your family. You sometimes fight with them and don't agree on everything, but at the end of the day when it really comes down to it you truly love them. Then at some point you grow up and go out into the world and hopefully find someone that you fall in love with. So much in love with that you feel like you have never really known love before. You love them so much that you want to spend your life with them. And you get married and go off to start a family together. And then, hopefully at some point you have children. And with that first child you discover something amazing. That wonderful intense love you feel for your spouse, well it is nothing compared to the love you feel for your child. In fact you have never felt love so intense before, it is astonishing. And that brings me to certain conclusions of motherhood that I have come to.

1. You have to put God first. I had always heard this before, put God first and your family second. But I couldn't really get my head around it completely. Then this year I found myself relying on the Lord for answers to different decisions I have had to make. As I relied more and more on his help I also found myself doing the small things I need to be doing anyway, praying, reading scriptures, going to church. And I have found that I really like where it all takes me. And I realized that to be the kind of mother I want to be I need to make God my first priority. I need to make sure I am doing the things that keep me close to him and his gospel, because there is really no other way I can better prepare myself and my children to live in this world and still keep hold to the gospel. This all being said, putting God first does not mean putting church callings above family. Church comes fourth in this list, but God and your relationship with him comes first.
2. You have to put your spouse second. After God your spouse should come next. Which as you get farther into your marriage becomes difficult, especially if you remember what I mentioned above about your new love for your child being so much more powerful than your love for your spouse. But when it really comes down to it the truth of the matter is that one of the best things you can do for your children is to let them know that you love your spouse. And that when the chips fall you stand by your spouse no matter what. A marriage really is the union of two people into one, and if you don't stand as one then you will soon be divided.
3. You have to put your children third. Though it may be difficult to keep them there this is where they need to be. Third on the list and they need to stay there, you can't let them rise or fall. Remember your family is more important than pretty much anything else in your life. The only thing that comes before family is your own eternal salvation. It is much like on an airplane when they say, "if there is an emergency where you need to use oxygen masks remember to put your own mask on first before helping another person to put on their mask." You can't help to save someone else if you have not saved yourself first. The important thing here is to remember that your children, your family should come before other things. Games, work, life in general. It will all pass and at some point everything will be gone, but your ties to your family will remain forever. No matter what you do in life you will still be tied to your family even if you do disown them.

The best way to go through life then is to make the most of the eternal things. Make the most of your eternal salvation, make the most of your eternal partnership with your spouse, and make the most of your eternal ties to your family. A bit of a rambling from where I started but in the end this is what it all comes back to, the eternal things in life.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

On Vacation

Yesterday when I went to my OB appointment I learned from my doctor that she will be going on vacation around the end of the year and will be getting back to work on my due date. My hope is that little Evangeline will stay inside until my doctor is around. There are a few reasons why I would like my own doctor. I know that another doctor would probably be fine, but I would prefer my own.

1. I know that she has my best interests and the baby's best interests in mind. I know she will not try to push me into a C section unless I really need one.
2. If I end up tearing or needing an episiotomy I know she will do a fantastic time stitching me up. She did great last time and I know if I need stitches this time she will do a great job again.
3. I just feel more comfortable with a doctor that I know, having some random doctor that I have never met deliver my baby is going to stress me out a good deal.

There was a part of me that was sort of kind of hoping that Evangeline would get here before the end of the year so that we could get tax write offs. But when it comes down to it I would rather have a safe baby and my own doctor delivering her than a tax write off. Also I wouldn't mind if Evangeline's birthday was a little ways away from Christmas. We will see what happens though. Hopefully everything works out.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Walmart and the Savage Davy

Lately I have been having regular headaches, they seem to be part of the "joy" that comes with this pregnancy. With Davy the "joy" was morning sickness the entire pregnancy. This time around it has been headaches that turn into migraines that send me to the hospital. Anyway, I have good high dose pain pills for the migraines, but I tend not to use them because they aren't the best for the baby. My doctor prescribed them and recommended using them once a week if possible. So instead when I get a headache I can tell is going the way of a migraine I drink some caffeinated soda take a regular strength Tylenol and hope that it works. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't.

Today my slight headache turned into a full blown migraine after taking Davy to Walmart to pick up food for dinner. Lately when we go to Walmart Daddy lets him push the cart because Davy hates sitting in the cart. Well tonight it was just Mommy and Davy and the Walmart, and getting some of the stuff while having him trying to push the cart was too much so I put him in the cart for the first part, and he screamed, so finally to calm him down a bit I let him push the cart. Which helped for a bit until we had to get things and I had to stop the cart and he screamed. He pretty much screamed almost the entire time we were there because I wouldn't let him push the shopping cart as much or as fast as he wanted to and when he screamed too much about that I picked him up and he screamed some more. We ate dinner over at Kevin's work with him and had family dinner at the data center, which also helped to calm the savage Davy. Davy loves to go see Daddy at his work. He wasn't too happy to leave though, but he finally quieted down on the way home and began counting after awhile. Once we got home he calmed down and bed time was super easy compared to Walmart. Don't know how often we will be going to Walmart without Daddy.

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Nesting

Recently Kevin made the remark that he thinks that I blame too many things on my pregnancy. I blame forgetting things, misplacing things, driving badly, being too hot, being lazy, wanting to eat certain things, not wanting to eat other things, pretty much all pain in my body, headaches, being tired, the list can go on and on. He may be correct that I do blame a lot of things on pregnancy, but the truth of the matter is in someway my pregnancy affects almost everything I do. It makes me stupid at times, especially when it comes to remembering things. For some reason it has an affect on my driving skills, I am less observant and have gotten into some close encounters. Heck it even affects my typing skills, often I will find my fingers typing letters I wasn't even wanting to type, and my spelling skills have taken a woeful turn. Thank goodness I generally read things through once or twice before I post them.

Anyway recently we cleaned the house (as well as we could) in preparation for the missionaries coming over for dinner. It was the sister missionaries and when they discovered that I couldn't get a lot of stuff done because it tended to make me go into contractions they put a load of dishes into our dishwasher for us and started it up. Anyway, between Kevin and me and with some help with the dishes from the sisters we got our house into decent shape. Except of course for our spare room and our bedroom. And unfortunately Davy's room is beginning to fill with toys he has gotten out. Wanting to keep our house as clean as I could, and partially because I am really getting tired of Kevin's comments that our house is always a disaster, I have been trying to keep our kitchen (which is the source of most of the disaster comments) as tidy as I can. Which has led recently to me doing a good amount of dishes. The other day I ended up doing some dishes and as I was talking to Kevin about it I mentioned that I could probably blame my sudden urge to clean on my pregnancy as well. He asked me how I could do that, "Nesting, an inexplicable urge to clean, or sort, or craft."

Moving on to today I find at the end of it that I have had quite a day of nesting. I started off the day coming up with a list of Christmas words (only related to Christ's birth) for the alphabet. I want to make an advent calendar of sorts that uses each letter of the alphabet. I can start it on the last day of November and each day go through a new word/letter and discuss it with Davy. Not only will it tie in two things that he loves letters and numbers (which I will have on the back of each card) but it will help us discuss the birth of Christ as we come closer and closer to Christmas. Then I got Davy and fed him and got him doing his normal morning toddler stuff. Then I worked on ideas for Christmas presents for people. Davy went down for a nap and Kevin was watching a mixed martial arts fight so I went to Walmart and got some things for making some of the presents. Then I made lunch, worked on a fabric book I have been wanting to finish for Davy and finally shortly after Kevin left for work I finished it. I sat Davy down with one of his favorite shows and made supper and emptied the dishwasher, then I began to fill it again. By then dinner was done cooking and we had supper. After supper Davy went back to playing and I finished filling the dishwasher and started it up, then I gathered a load of whites and put them in the washer and started it up. Then I washed all the dishes that I can't wash in the dishwasher, all the knives, cutting boards, cookie sheets, etc. By then it was almost time for Davy to go to bed. He had been watching some of his shows and wanted to watch one more before bedtime. So I started on making a thread catcher while he was watching it (because all the little thread pieces from my different projects are beginning to drive me crazy), by the time the show was over I was almost finished with the thread catcher. I put Davy to bed and then finished the thread catcher. And now I am pretty much ready for bed. If I have more days like this soon the entire house will be clean. Or at least one can hope.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Fire = Hot

Today Davy learned that the fire on the stove is hot. We were over visiting my parents tonight, planning on carving pumpkins. My mom was making soup and Davy was wandering around their kitchen being cute. I had been keeping an eye on him to make sure that if he got too close to the stove that I could yell at him to get away from it. Well, as accidents with kids seem to happen, Davy just walked up and stuck his hand in the fire. My mom was thankfully standing right there and pulled his hand out right away. We immediately filled a sink with cold water and ice cubes and let him play in it for about 15 minutes and then after a 5 minute break let him go back in and play another 15 minutes or so in the cold water again. He has little blisters on his fingers, and I gave him some children's Tylenol. He was a little fussy over his hands tonight, but otherwise played like normal and was his normal self. I ended up calling his doctor to make sure that I didn't need to bring him in, but after talking with the nurse about how it looked and how he was acting, she said he should be fine being treated at home and gave me some advice on how to take care of him. It broke my heart seeing him cry when he first got burned, but I am glad that he should be ok. And I am hoping that it taught him that we don't stick our hands into fire because fire is hot and can burn us. I just wish he had learned about fire without the need to get hurt.

On a lighter note, we bought Scout for Davy today. Kevin has been wanting to get him the "boy" dog since I brought Violet home from my parent's house. Finally we have him, there are some differences from Violet, as the Violet we have is an older version of the toy. But all in all, Scout is basically the same toy as Violet. I put them both on the couch to see which one Davy would go for, turns out he likes having both dogs with him. Maybe he feels like he is in the videos he watches and has both his friends to come play with him. I have them programmed so that Violet calls Davy "David" and Scout calls him "Davy". The only thing I have noticed so far is that Violet's paws are easier to push, and Scout's are more difficult. Oh well, maybe they will get easier over time.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Hormones and Food

This week I have been craving tortilla chips and cheese dip, but we currently can't afford to get some until payday, which is Friday (tomorrow). So imagine my happiness when I discovered that chips and cheese dip were part of the party my parents threw for the grandkids yesterday. After everything was over my mom and dad tried to pawn off a lot of the food on both my sister and I. Kevin and I were the last ones to leave so whatever was left was basically given to us. As we were gathering up stuff, I said, "Hey, if you don't want it we will take the chips and cheese dip as well." I kind of felt guilty for asking for it, but they gave it to me so I ended up taking it home too. This morning close to 11 am I started getting hungry and remembered the cheese dip that was in the fridge. So I heated some up and started eating it with the tortilla chips. After not long of eating the chips and dip Kevin came by and started eyeing the chips and dip in a way that I knew he was going to ask for some.

But the problem was, I didn't want to share. I had been craving this all week long and had an awesome windfall before payday even came around, and there wasn't much of the cheese dip anyway. But I knew that claiming it all would be rude, so I told him he could have the rest if he wanted it. Well then as he went to get it he found some other cheese dip that we had in the fridge that I did not want to eat because I did not like the flavor of it. So he decides that he is going to mix the two and eat it.

Thinking back on it all the rational thing for me to have done would have been to ask nicely if he would let me have the cheese dip I had gotten from my parents and he could have all of the other cheese dip (which I knew he preferred). Instead I went into attack mode. And we got into an argument over it all. In the end he demanded that I ask nicely for the cheese dip I wanted, and I stubbornly refused to. Finally I calmed down enough to apologize for attacking him and he gave me the cheese dip, which helped me to calm down the rest of the way. After everything was done and finished and I was calm and happy again I said to him, "You know, arguing with a pregnant woman over her food is like wrestling with a tiger for a steak, it is about the same level on the danger scale." He thought about this for a little bit and then said, "Yes, but a pregnant woman is not going to kill you like a tiger would." "She might in your sleep." I said back. "No, I know how weak you are right now, you wouldn't be able to kill me." "Ok, true." I said, "But she can make your life miserable, which is almost as bad." "Yes, that is true." He said, "Which is why so many men are made miserable by their wives."

Thankfully Kevin is a great guy and awesome husband, and knows when it is best to just give me the food and save himself the suffering.