Monday, April 25, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Time and the lack thereof
Having a baby I have found leaves a person with very little time. Things kind of go like this: Wake up to baby crying, change baby, feed baby, try to get baby to fall asleep again, while baby is asleep try to get things done, these things may include: cleaning, eating, sleeping or trying to de-stress. Baby usually wakes up during this time and everything starts again. This is why I boggle at the advice that you get as a new mom.
Sleep while your child is sleeping is something I have often heard. Problem is sleep is not something you can always do when you have other things that need to be done. Things like feeding yourself, doing laundry, washing bottles, washing dishes, trying to get the house looking somewhat presentable, etc. The feeding yourself part seems to be my greatest hurdle. My baby seems to have a inborn sense of when Mommy is trying to feed herself, because almost every time I start putting anything together for consumption is when he begins to fuss or flat out bawl. This has led me to wonder if the baby has some strange desire to keep me from eating. Logically I know this is not the case, but there is a part of me that wonders.
This leads me to my next topic, hysteria. When I was in high school I took a class where we covered Latin roots, prefixes and suffixes. And hyster was one that we discussed. The word hyster has to do with women, which is why hysterectomy refers to the removal of the uterus. It is also part of the word hysteria. This is because hysteria was generally attributed to women, or rather only women were the crazy ones, which is why they were not allowed to vote in ancient Greece and Rome. When I was younger I really wondered about this, women were just fine, there was nothing insane about them. Then I had a child.
Truthfully I was lucky, I went through In Vetro Fertilization (IVF) to get pregnant and during the fertility treatments I did great! No crazed hormonally imbalanced woman going crazy all over everyone. Then I got pregnant and nothing really changed. I was good, even keel, absolutely fine. Then the baby came and suddenly the hormone change happened. I had mood swings, a stress level that was insane, I snapped at my husband, it was terrible. Then I got medicated and things began to calm down. But I began to see why women would be considered insane.
Thankfully in my medicated state I have two sides to me, an emotional side and a rational side. The rational side keeps me chugging along like a normal well adjusted person and the emotional side leaves me in a squirmy pile of goo over my cute baby. But thank goodness for that rational side, otherwise I would probably start to believe certain things that come to my mind. Things like: The baby doesn't want me to eat, or the baby doesn't want me to sleep, or the baby is out to get me, or the baby hates me because he cries half the times he looks at me, etc. My rational side grabs onto those thoughts and says, "Really? That makes no sense at all. The baby has no idea about you eating, the baby just needs something and is communicating the only way he knows how to at this point, by crying." But I can see how someone could easily go off the deep end if they started to believe the crazy thoughts that come into your head when you have just had a baby. And it makes me wonder about what comes next.
Sleep while your child is sleeping is something I have often heard. Problem is sleep is not something you can always do when you have other things that need to be done. Things like feeding yourself, doing laundry, washing bottles, washing dishes, trying to get the house looking somewhat presentable, etc. The feeding yourself part seems to be my greatest hurdle. My baby seems to have a inborn sense of when Mommy is trying to feed herself, because almost every time I start putting anything together for consumption is when he begins to fuss or flat out bawl. This has led me to wonder if the baby has some strange desire to keep me from eating. Logically I know this is not the case, but there is a part of me that wonders.
This leads me to my next topic, hysteria. When I was in high school I took a class where we covered Latin roots, prefixes and suffixes. And hyster was one that we discussed. The word hyster has to do with women, which is why hysterectomy refers to the removal of the uterus. It is also part of the word hysteria. This is because hysteria was generally attributed to women, or rather only women were the crazy ones, which is why they were not allowed to vote in ancient Greece and Rome. When I was younger I really wondered about this, women were just fine, there was nothing insane about them. Then I had a child.
Truthfully I was lucky, I went through In Vetro Fertilization (IVF) to get pregnant and during the fertility treatments I did great! No crazed hormonally imbalanced woman going crazy all over everyone. Then I got pregnant and nothing really changed. I was good, even keel, absolutely fine. Then the baby came and suddenly the hormone change happened. I had mood swings, a stress level that was insane, I snapped at my husband, it was terrible. Then I got medicated and things began to calm down. But I began to see why women would be considered insane.
Thankfully in my medicated state I have two sides to me, an emotional side and a rational side. The rational side keeps me chugging along like a normal well adjusted person and the emotional side leaves me in a squirmy pile of goo over my cute baby. But thank goodness for that rational side, otherwise I would probably start to believe certain things that come to my mind. Things like: The baby doesn't want me to eat, or the baby doesn't want me to sleep, or the baby is out to get me, or the baby hates me because he cries half the times he looks at me, etc. My rational side grabs onto those thoughts and says, "Really? That makes no sense at all. The baby has no idea about you eating, the baby just needs something and is communicating the only way he knows how to at this point, by crying." But I can see how someone could easily go off the deep end if they started to believe the crazy thoughts that come into your head when you have just had a baby. And it makes me wonder about what comes next.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Meds, PPD and Memory
For those of you who know me really well, or who have followed my regular blog for years you will know that I have a huge sense of denial about depression. Maybe denial is not the word exactly, but I have refused the idea that I could need depression meds for years. The reason? My entire family has at some point or another been on depression medication. Growing up my mom has had a long battle with depression starting with Post Pardum Depression after my brother was born. I remember her telling me that she thought she was going crazy. Eventually she went to her doctor and was put on depression medication. Over the following years we discussed as a family the fact that depression was often hereditary and we wondered which of us children would have it at some point. We all got married and moved out and then my Dad was put on depression meds as well. Then my brother was and then my sister. My mom would talk to me and say that I should probably be on them as well since the rest of the family was. But I never felt like I needed to be.
I have always been a rather happy person, and never felt like I needed medication to regulate my emotions. Was it denial? I don't think so. I think I was really fine the way I was. Then I got pregnant and instead of going through a sea of emotions like many women do I sailed through pregnancy without a hitch. I was even keel when it came to my emotions. Then I gave birth and suddenly the dam broke and a flood of emotions ensued. I became a basket-case, I cried at everything, was angry at everything else and was so stressed and frustrated that I felt like I was falling apart. As my mother had said to me previously in my life, I felt like I was going crazy. My doctor had asked me if I needed depression meds, but I was in denial and told myself that I would just tough my way through it all, like I did with everything else in my life. It all came to a head one night, the baby had been crying for three hours straight, I had been struggling with breastfeeding, he was resisting the breast, my breasts hurt terribly, and I was at my wits end. Kevin came home and I gave him the baby and started to get ready to go to bed. He got a bottle ready and began to feed the baby and handed me the baby to see if feeding a happy baby would help me. But the baby was not happy, he was still upset and began crying like he had been all night long. I couldn't handle it anymore and in frustration, stress and probably some insanity I screamed back at the baby. The baby stopped crying, looked at me with this horrified look on his face and began crying harder. I knew then that something was seriously wrong with me. I told the baby I was sorry, put the baby down, and went to bed after promising my husband that I would call my doctor in the morning.
The next day I called my doctor and after talking to her for a bit she prescribed me some depression meds. I started taking them on the 11th of March I think. The next week my in laws came to visit which I thought would increase my stress but actually helped to reduce it. Though having visitors can be stressful, having them out to help with the baby helped reduce my stress quite a bit. And it gave the meds time to kick in. So now here I am feeling much better, less stressed, less frustrated and more clear headed, more able to enjoy my little baby. Now if only I could remember things.
It must be something about becoming a mother, my mom says it is from giving birth, but either way since having David I have been incredibly forgetful. To the point where I forget things I say, forget what I did the day before. Everything seems to just run together. Maybe it is due to lack of sleep. Maybe it is due to stress. Whatever is causing it though I must admit that I miss my memory.
I have always been a rather happy person, and never felt like I needed medication to regulate my emotions. Was it denial? I don't think so. I think I was really fine the way I was. Then I got pregnant and instead of going through a sea of emotions like many women do I sailed through pregnancy without a hitch. I was even keel when it came to my emotions. Then I gave birth and suddenly the dam broke and a flood of emotions ensued. I became a basket-case, I cried at everything, was angry at everything else and was so stressed and frustrated that I felt like I was falling apart. As my mother had said to me previously in my life, I felt like I was going crazy. My doctor had asked me if I needed depression meds, but I was in denial and told myself that I would just tough my way through it all, like I did with everything else in my life. It all came to a head one night, the baby had been crying for three hours straight, I had been struggling with breastfeeding, he was resisting the breast, my breasts hurt terribly, and I was at my wits end. Kevin came home and I gave him the baby and started to get ready to go to bed. He got a bottle ready and began to feed the baby and handed me the baby to see if feeding a happy baby would help me. But the baby was not happy, he was still upset and began crying like he had been all night long. I couldn't handle it anymore and in frustration, stress and probably some insanity I screamed back at the baby. The baby stopped crying, looked at me with this horrified look on his face and began crying harder. I knew then that something was seriously wrong with me. I told the baby I was sorry, put the baby down, and went to bed after promising my husband that I would call my doctor in the morning.
The next day I called my doctor and after talking to her for a bit she prescribed me some depression meds. I started taking them on the 11th of March I think. The next week my in laws came to visit which I thought would increase my stress but actually helped to reduce it. Though having visitors can be stressful, having them out to help with the baby helped reduce my stress quite a bit. And it gave the meds time to kick in. So now here I am feeling much better, less stressed, less frustrated and more clear headed, more able to enjoy my little baby. Now if only I could remember things.
It must be something about becoming a mother, my mom says it is from giving birth, but either way since having David I have been incredibly forgetful. To the point where I forget things I say, forget what I did the day before. Everything seems to just run together. Maybe it is due to lack of sleep. Maybe it is due to stress. Whatever is causing it though I must admit that I miss my memory.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Early Motherhood
Early motherhood, that special time when everything is saggy. Your happy little tummy now looks like a deflated beach ball, and when they are not full of milk you boobies look like smaller versions of your tummy. Just the other day my mom was over and she said, "Are you wearing a bra?" and I said, "Yes, but I just pumped so they are extra saggy right now."
I have come to the conclusion that motherhood is made up of pain and responsibility. Giving birth hurts, healing from giving birth hurts, breastfeeding hurts, pumping hurts, and what doesn't hurt slowly leaches away at your sanity. The baby cries and you feel obligated to go get him, pick him up and comfort him, but sometimes you just can't figure out what is wrong.
I have come to the conclusion that motherhood is made up of pain and responsibility. Giving birth hurts, healing from giving birth hurts, breastfeeding hurts, pumping hurts, and what doesn't hurt slowly leaches away at your sanity. The baby cries and you feel obligated to go get him, pick him up and comfort him, but sometimes you just can't figure out what is wrong.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Obligatory Picture Post
So I figured I needed to post some pictures of Davy, since I have not posted any as of yet. I will probably post most of this behind a cut for those with slow connections.
So awesome!
I just wanted to write a post about how awesome Kevin is. I know I get frustrated with him a lot but all in all he is pretty great! When I look back on the last few months I find it incredible how much he has done. Not only did he get this house pretty much put together with the help of my dad, but he has helped me out in so many ways.
Before the baby he was the perfect husband, anytime I asked him to get something for me he would pretty much do it. And maybe as a pregnant woman I took advantage of that at times, but he didn't complain about it, ever. And when we went to the hospital to have the baby, my parents came and though it was nice having them there it was also a bit frustrating. Mostly because now that we were in the hospital they were focused on the baby completely. So when I was in discomfort they were like, "Yay, that means the baby is coming." Kevin though was immediately there for me, making sure to be there for me the entire time. Don't get me wrong, when it got down to it my mom really stepped it up and was awesome, but from the very beginning Kevin was there for me through it all. When the epidural failed he was the first one to realize that something was wrong and was immediately at my side making sure I was ok. After the baby came he took care of him for me so that I could get sleep. To the point where he changed every single dirty diaper that Davy had while we were at the hospital. Every single one.
Since we have come home Kevin has really been a good dad, yes there are times where I get frustrated and I wish he would do more. But for the most part he has been amazing. He has never turned me down when I have asked him to change a diaper, he is more than willing to feed the baby if I need him to. He loves to hold the baby, and almost every night he stays up till 2 am or 3 am and sometimes 5 am taking care of the baby so that I can get some uninterrupted sleep. How many husbands would do that? Really? To tell the truth because he does that we have better sleep than most new parents. I sleep from about Midnight to sometime around 7 am, 8 am, or 9 am and Kevin sleeps usually from 2 or 3 am till 9 am, 10 am, or 11 am. Not too bad considering. And Davy sleeps most of the night, which for being so young is really awesome for us.
All in all Kevin helps me keep my sanity, and has helped me to stay pretty stable during these first 3 weeks. And that in my book counts him as pretty darn awesome!
A while ago I heard a song on the Christian Rock station that reminds me of Kevin, and I wanted to share it:
Before the baby he was the perfect husband, anytime I asked him to get something for me he would pretty much do it. And maybe as a pregnant woman I took advantage of that at times, but he didn't complain about it, ever. And when we went to the hospital to have the baby, my parents came and though it was nice having them there it was also a bit frustrating. Mostly because now that we were in the hospital they were focused on the baby completely. So when I was in discomfort they were like, "Yay, that means the baby is coming." Kevin though was immediately there for me, making sure to be there for me the entire time. Don't get me wrong, when it got down to it my mom really stepped it up and was awesome, but from the very beginning Kevin was there for me through it all. When the epidural failed he was the first one to realize that something was wrong and was immediately at my side making sure I was ok. After the baby came he took care of him for me so that I could get sleep. To the point where he changed every single dirty diaper that Davy had while we were at the hospital. Every single one.
Since we have come home Kevin has really been a good dad, yes there are times where I get frustrated and I wish he would do more. But for the most part he has been amazing. He has never turned me down when I have asked him to change a diaper, he is more than willing to feed the baby if I need him to. He loves to hold the baby, and almost every night he stays up till 2 am or 3 am and sometimes 5 am taking care of the baby so that I can get some uninterrupted sleep. How many husbands would do that? Really? To tell the truth because he does that we have better sleep than most new parents. I sleep from about Midnight to sometime around 7 am, 8 am, or 9 am and Kevin sleeps usually from 2 or 3 am till 9 am, 10 am, or 11 am. Not too bad considering. And Davy sleeps most of the night, which for being so young is really awesome for us.
All in all Kevin helps me keep my sanity, and has helped me to stay pretty stable during these first 3 weeks. And that in my book counts him as pretty darn awesome!
A while ago I heard a song on the Christian Rock station that reminds me of Kevin, and I wanted to share it:
Breastfeeding revisited
Davy is doing so much better at breastfeeding. I have been able to get him to nurse at almost every feeding now. We usually finish him off with the bottle, but on average he has been feeding for 15 minutes on each side. That is 30 minutes nursing total per feeding session. Yay!! I still pump after each feeding, which means that the whole feeding thing (if Kevin is not around) takes a long time. But it was already taking a long time anyway.
One thing I have learned with having a baby is that formula stinks! And I mean it really smells, to the point that I have almost puked from the smell of it. Yuck! Breast milk on the other hand smells just fine, hardly any aroma to it at all, and if there is an aroma the best I can describe it as is sweet. I guess different women's milk looks different, meaning it comes in different colors. Some is white, some is yellow, some (depending on what they eat) can be slightly green and I have even read of some which after eating certain things came purple. Mine, according to my husband and my mom looks like sweetened condensed milk. All I know is it keeps the baby fed and happy. If only it didn't leave me feeling like a miniature cow. Seriously, if I am not feeding the baby I am hooked up to a machine that milks me, and when it is done I hand milk myself to make sure to get anything the machine missed.
Ah well, at least the baby gets fed and that is what matters to me. I do wish it didn't hurt quite so much though. OUCH!
One thing I have learned with having a baby is that formula stinks! And I mean it really smells, to the point that I have almost puked from the smell of it. Yuck! Breast milk on the other hand smells just fine, hardly any aroma to it at all, and if there is an aroma the best I can describe it as is sweet. I guess different women's milk looks different, meaning it comes in different colors. Some is white, some is yellow, some (depending on what they eat) can be slightly green and I have even read of some which after eating certain things came purple. Mine, according to my husband and my mom looks like sweetened condensed milk. All I know is it keeps the baby fed and happy. If only it didn't leave me feeling like a miniature cow. Seriously, if I am not feeding the baby I am hooked up to a machine that milks me, and when it is done I hand milk myself to make sure to get anything the machine missed.
Ah well, at least the baby gets fed and that is what matters to me. I do wish it didn't hurt quite so much though. OUCH!
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