Birth Control

This morning I had another doctor’s appointment. Blood work and internal ultrasound as usual, then they had one of the doctor’s aides come and talk to me. She told me that they are going to be placing me on birth control. She said that I am to take only the white pills and none of the pink pills, and that when I run out of white pills that I am to get a refill. This is so that they control my period and not my body.

April 7th is my next appointment with the doctor, and this time we will actually be meeting with my doctor. She will go through with us the forms that we will need to sign, and the shots that I will be giving myself. I am hoping that the shots will be more of the belly shots that I gave myself before. Because I can handle those pretty well.

I start the birth control today. It seems strange because I have not taken birth control in about 9 years. When I last took birth control it messed me up emotionally, and caused me to gain a lot of weight. Guess it is a good thing that Kevin and I picked today to get back on the weight loss horse. It will be interesting to see where everything goes with this.

Pregnant?

Turns out, I'm not.

Our next step is In Vetro, that will be happening in May. Which means more doctor appointments.

Waiting

What a week, and it isn’t quite over yet. I feel tired and worn out and can’t wait till I get my news. It will either be a, yes you are pregnant or a no you are not pregnant. And though I know which one I want it to be I still just want it to be over. Last night I went to the bathroom before going to bed, much like I do every night, and there was spotting, the kind that usually happens right before I start my period. There I was, ready to go to sleep, so that I could wake and get my blood taken. Full of fear and hope, but mostly hope, and then that happens. I spent the next hour or so struggling between tears and calm for sleep. This morning I woke and it is still just spotting, which could be fine, because other women spot during their pregnancy, but then again it could still be me starting my period.

On the way to my dr appointment I listened to the Christian station, and they had my new favorite band on in the studio with them. The band, Phe, sang the song I have recently fallen in love with, “Everything Falls”. The song is about when everything falls apart that God will be there for us to lift us up and give us hope and keep us strong. I started bawling in the car and had to calm myself so I could see. I am not sure how to feel about everything, I feel pulled in so many directions, and I just want to find out one way or another what the answer to my blood test is.

As I lay in bed last night I decided that if it is a negative that I will send out communication to everyone letting them know and telling them that I do not wish to talk about it right now. When or if I do want to talk about it I will contact them and bring the subject up, but that I would appreciate it if people don’t bring it up to me. This is mostly so I don’t have a ton of people asking me about it and me dissolving into tears each time.

Disturbing Dreams

So the last few nights I have had more dreams about the possibility of being pregnant. In the first one (this happened not last night but the night before), I dreamed that I started having my period except it came out weird, this was because in it were two very small embryos.

In the next one I dreamed that I started my period and the thought hit me again, "Oh, so I must not be pregnant."

Tomorrow morning I go in for my blood test to tell me whether or not I am pregnant. There is a part of me that wants to go out and buy a pregnancy test tonight just to see. But the greater part of me couldn't bear it if it said I wasn't. Instead I think I am going to go to sleep and wait till morning. At least then I can go on to work and keep myself busy until the call comes. I hate all this waiting.

Writer's Block: Kids or child-free?

Whether you've chosen to have children or live child-free, how and when did you (or will you) reach this decision? If you're in a relationship, did you (or will you) decide separately or together?

Since the time that I got married my husband and I have always wanted children. It is a decision we made together, one that we made actually while dating. However because of cancer and what chemo therapy did to his body children have not been something we have been able to have. Right now we are waiting on the results for an artificial insemination, hopefully it worked.

Names

So Kevin and I have always had trouble with deciding on a girls name for any of our future children. We always end up arguing about it. When it comes to sons though we have no problem. The first will be David, the second Isaac, and the third (if we have that many) will be Alonzo. However, when it comes to names for daughters we always argue, he chooses names I think sound boring and stupid and I choose names he doesn't like the sound of. Finally we had a long process of rating and picking and narrowing down names until we finally narrowed everything down to about seven names. So for your perusal I am listing these names below in no particular order. I will be listing their meaning as well. Take a look at them and tell me your favorite. We have our favorites but we are wondering what other people think.

Riesiel - Song of the stream

Faeryn - From the Fairies

Aalia - Ascending to Heaven

Eva - Mother of all living or Life

Fae - Fairy or magical creature

Sariah - Princess

Aria - Beautiful song or Masterpiece song

Dreams

I dreamt last night that everyone at work was pregnant, except for me. It was strange, disconcerting and more than a little distressing.

Earlier this week I dreamt about tornados, I dreamt that I saw them touch down as I drove down a road. I drove faster to try to get away from them. Yet as I watched these giant crows came flying up and began to attack the tornados (there were about 3 tornados), eventually the tornados disappated and went away. I made my way to a town where I met a bunch of people, I came to find out that the people who lived there were in fact the crows and they would fight the tornados to keep their families safe.