Pregnant?

Turns out, I'm not.

Our next step is In Vetro, that will be happening in May. Which means more doctor appointments.

Waiting

What a week, and it isn’t quite over yet. I feel tired and worn out and can’t wait till I get my news. It will either be a, yes you are pregnant or a no you are not pregnant. And though I know which one I want it to be I still just want it to be over. Last night I went to the bathroom before going to bed, much like I do every night, and there was spotting, the kind that usually happens right before I start my period. There I was, ready to go to sleep, so that I could wake and get my blood taken. Full of fear and hope, but mostly hope, and then that happens. I spent the next hour or so struggling between tears and calm for sleep. This morning I woke and it is still just spotting, which could be fine, because other women spot during their pregnancy, but then again it could still be me starting my period.

On the way to my dr appointment I listened to the Christian station, and they had my new favorite band on in the studio with them. The band, Phe, sang the song I have recently fallen in love with, “Everything Falls”. The song is about when everything falls apart that God will be there for us to lift us up and give us hope and keep us strong. I started bawling in the car and had to calm myself so I could see. I am not sure how to feel about everything, I feel pulled in so many directions, and I just want to find out one way or another what the answer to my blood test is.

As I lay in bed last night I decided that if it is a negative that I will send out communication to everyone letting them know and telling them that I do not wish to talk about it right now. When or if I do want to talk about it I will contact them and bring the subject up, but that I would appreciate it if people don’t bring it up to me. This is mostly so I don’t have a ton of people asking me about it and me dissolving into tears each time.

Disturbing Dreams

So the last few nights I have had more dreams about the possibility of being pregnant. In the first one (this happened not last night but the night before), I dreamed that I started having my period except it came out weird, this was because in it were two very small embryos.

In the next one I dreamed that I started my period and the thought hit me again, "Oh, so I must not be pregnant."

Tomorrow morning I go in for my blood test to tell me whether or not I am pregnant. There is a part of me that wants to go out and buy a pregnancy test tonight just to see. But the greater part of me couldn't bear it if it said I wasn't. Instead I think I am going to go to sleep and wait till morning. At least then I can go on to work and keep myself busy until the call comes. I hate all this waiting.

Writer's Block: Kids or child-free?

Whether you've chosen to have children or live child-free, how and when did you (or will you) reach this decision? If you're in a relationship, did you (or will you) decide separately or together?

Since the time that I got married my husband and I have always wanted children. It is a decision we made together, one that we made actually while dating. However because of cancer and what chemo therapy did to his body children have not been something we have been able to have. Right now we are waiting on the results for an artificial insemination, hopefully it worked.

Dreams

I dreamt last night that everyone at work was pregnant, except for me. It was strange, disconcerting and more than a little distressing.

Earlier this week I dreamt about tornados, I dreamt that I saw them touch down as I drove down a road. I drove faster to try to get away from them. Yet as I watched these giant crows came flying up and began to attack the tornados (there were about 3 tornados), eventually the tornados disappated and went away. I made my way to a town where I met a bunch of people, I came to find out that the people who lived there were in fact the crows and they would fight the tornados to keep their families safe.

One down, one to go

One insemination down, one more to go. I had the first one done this morning. It reminded me of when I had the HSG done (I think that is the accronym for it) where they put a cathedar into your cervix and inject dye or water into your uterus to check the flow of your tubes. This time though they injected the contents of one of the vials into my uterus. Hopefully it all works out ok and we end up pregnant.

March 18th I go in for a blood test to see whether or not it worked. Cross your fingers and your toes and keep us in your prayers.

Needles!

Not a big fan of needles here, in fact they scare me a good bit. So the idea of giving myself a shot of medicine, not a fun thought for me. But I did good, I got the medicine I had to take tonight ready, I filled the syringe, I screwed on the tiny needle and then I gave myself the shot. Didn't even hurt. In fact it only hurt after I was done and the needle was out. Crazy thing huh? Ah well, next part of this whole thing is to get pregnant. Hopefully tomorrow and Friday goes well for that.

Insemination Tomorrow

This morning I went in to the Fertility clinic to have another ultrasound, after looking at my results the nurse said that she will have me come in tomorrow morning to be inseminated and then again on Friday morning as well. They should know whether or not it took in about 2 weeks. Tonight I give myself my shot of medicine. Not looking forward to that part.

AI

Went in to the doctor today, they did another ultrasound, they need my folicles to be at 17 and mine are currently at 14, they need my uterine lining to be at 7 or 8 mine is at 6, so I am moving along just fine. They are having me come in on Wednesday to do another ultrasound. Then depending on how I look on that one they will have me come in on Monday or Friday of next week to be inseminated. Yay! I don't know how soon after the insemination they will know if it was successful, I will ask them this on Wednesday.

AI Update

Thank you to everyone who has wished me luck and expressed excitement regarding the upcoming artificial insemination.

So an update on everything. This is mostly for me to keep a journal of sorts of the proceedure so that I can remember what happened later, but also acts as an update to keep people up to date on what is going on with me.

This morning I went in to the doctor, they took blood and did an internal ultrasound. They did tests on my blood for estrogen levels and based on those levels gave me a call just a little while ago to tell me that I can begin to take my Clomid medication. This medication will tell my brain that there is not enough estrogen in my body, which will make my body create more estrogen, this will encourage my body to release more eggs this time. Next Monday is my next appointment, they will be taking blood and do another internal ultrasound. Based off what that shows them they will probably have me come back again three days later.

Next update will be next Monday.

My Most Anticipated Period

So Saturday I started my period, one of the most anticipated ones I have ever had. What this means is that in 17 days give or take a few I will be artificially inseminated. I am excited!!

Artificial Insemination or IVF?

Today we met with the doctor to discuss where we go from here. She initially started talking about artificial insemination and using six vials to do so. We have 12 vials so this would use half of them on three attempts. Kevin got concerned at this point and so we talked about other options. We discussed IVF (In Vetro Fertilization) and what our options were with that. We went round and round with it and then settled on a decision. We are going to start me on Clomid which will increase my fertility, we will do one attempt at Artificial Insemination and then if that does not work we will start me on the process for IVF in May. I guess the clinic does IVF in groups of women and so they do it during different months so the earliest she could get me into was March, but she didn’t feel comfortable in rushing it so instead we are going to try for May.

This effectively gives us a plan A and a plan B. If I get pregnant from the Artificial Insemination then we will not do the IVF in May, if I don’t get pregnant then we will. I am thinking that if we do get pregnant through AI then maybe after we have the baby I will go through the process of harvesting the eggs next year just so that we have them saved for future children attempts. That way we have the eggs from when I am still young and fertile.

Hopefully by next year I not be working and the harvesting process will not be as much of an interference in my life as it is now. We shall see.

If plan A works then we could be pregnant late February to early March, if plan B works then we could be pregnant late May early June. Hopefully the sooner the better, but we will see how it goes.