Children and waiting

What is it about the world and waiting to have children? Today I go to get started on our taxes. We don't do them ourselves, we take them to H&R Block, because truthfully we don't trust ourselves to do them right on our own. So, I am going through the questions with the woman and she gets to the question of do we have any kids. I tell her, "No, but hopefully this year we will." She says, "Oh you have time, no need to rush." And I say, "Well we have been waiting for 10 years, we are pretty much ready."

It is not really her or the comment that bothered me, it is rather the fact that she is not the only one who has told me that I should wait. That I have time. That I don't need to hurry to get pregnant.

Why is it, that often when I mention to someone that I am planning on trying to get pregnant they seem to feel a need to dissuade me from the idea? There is a lady at work who I do not share any information with about the fact that I am trying to get pregnant. Because she will go on a rant about how I should not have kids, because she had kids and now she wishes she didn't because she is always worried about them. She says it in a half joking half serious manner, but I really have no patience for it anymore.

10 years, ten years in July that we will have waited to have children. 10 years of women at church making comments or questions about us not having kids. 10 years of watching other women with their children, wishing it was me. 10 years of standing up on Mother's day at church, because I am a woman over 18, but not wanting to because I am not a Mother. 10 years of feeling awkward on Mother's day anyway. 10 years of hearing other women go on and on about their kids, their plans for school and sports, and other extra curricular activities with their kids, and having nothing to say back, because I just can't relate. And then I think, that if only this, or if only that we might just have a kid that turned 9 or 8 or 7 this year. I might have a different life all together.

For those who don't want children, great for you, go live your life and leave me alone. But don't tell me I should wait. I have waited.

My religion is one that I love, I believe deeply in it and it shapes the way I live my life. However, it is a very family oriented society, people are encouraged to get married and have children. And living in my family doesn't make that any easier. We have been encouraged by both my family and Kevin's to get pregnant. Heck any time I got sick and talked to my mother and made mention of it she would ask if I was pregnant.

I am tired of waiting, I am tired of being childless any longer. And after the insane two months we have just waited to have the semen vials shipped I am so ready to get this done. I am done waiting, so leave me alone about it.

Bleh

Woke up this morning, felt slightly sick, like how I feel if I have not eaten yet. So I ate some cherry yogurt and started to feel really sick, like nauseous sick. Lay in bed for awhile while Kevin made me some chicken soup. When it was finished he talked me into coming downstairs to eat it where I ended up throwing up in the sink. Discovered that cherry yogurt is not as nasty to throw up as pretty much anything else is. Ate the soup and some water. Feeling better but not completely normal.

Called the Fertility Clinic this week to see if the shipment had made it out there yet. Nope. So I called the U of U hospital and they said that they have been playing phone tag with the Fertility Clinic. So I called up the Fertility Clinic and left a message asking them to call the U of U hospital. Hopefully if things work out the vials will be shipped on Monday (which is what U of U told us last week) so we will see. If they don't get shipped I will be calling the Fertility Clinic and the U of U hospital daily to get them to contact each other. I might even see if I can do a three way call just to get them in touch with each other. We have already lost two months to them not getting this done, I really don't feel like wasting a third. I mean we have done everything to get this moving and we still keep losing week after week to incompetence. If this continues I will make sure that they make it a priority to get this done, if just to get me to leave them alone. Grrrr.

Vial Shipment Request

These were humorous enough that I wanted to share them. Recently Kevin and I have been trying to get his vials of sperm shipped from Utah to Illinois, this is really the only thing keeping us from getting pregnant right now. One of the last things that they needed from us, which we got to them a few weeks ago, was a letter from Kevin stating that he wanted his vials of sperm shipped from Utah to the Fertility Clinic in IL. So he wrote three letters, one of them serious and the other two fairly off the wall. I am going to share them here:

Serious one:

To whom it may concern,

My name is Kevin (our last name). Per your request, I am writing this letter requesting that my vials of frozen semen be transferred from your location at:

(U of U Hospital Andrology Labs address)

Please ship them to this location:
(Fertility clinic’s address)

Thank you,
Kevin

1st silly one

To whom it may concern,

My name is Kevin (our last name). It is my understanding that you have in your possession my long lost frozen hopes for posterity. I have longed to be reunited with my beloved sperm popsicles. Many a tear-filled night has passed in the long years we have been apart. Please, I beg for your mercy! Please send them to live in freedom with me and my wife! Please bring an end to our mourning! We have already delivered the ransom that you specified, and plead with you to honor your side of the agreement.

Please forward said hostages and ship them from your location at:
(U of U Hospital Andrology Labs address)

And forward them to this location, where we will be joyfully reunited with them:
(Fertility clinic’s address)

Respectfully yours.
Kevin



2nd silly one

Dear Infidels,

Give me back my frozen sperm! Give them back or I will destroy you and everything that you love! Do not underestimate my powers!

It is my intent to liberate my faithful little crew of swimmers from this location:
(U of U Hospital Andrology Labs address)

And have them shipped to this location:
(Fertility clinic’s address)

Your cooperation will earn you your lives! Fail to heed my demands and you will know the full weight of my wrath and fury! Do not try my patience!!

Regards,
Kevin

Worry

Out of worry you advise me
not to see the doctor
not to visit the clinic
not to submit to tests
because worry shrouds your life
two children and two marriages later
you blink worriedly up at the world
only saying, do not conceive,
do not marry.

Consult at the Fertility Clinic

"You look perfect", she said
looking over charts
flipping through pages
of tests and documentation,
she speaks on of plans,
what he now needs to do,
checking counts and depending on
how many swimmers whether we go
one way or the other
and yet through all of the plans
all of the talk of samples,
shipping and semen,
all the considerations
of which proceedure would be worse
echoing through it all
is the word perfect
in the ears of a little girl
who thought she was broken.

Feeling odd

I am feeling odd tonight. I know I should be exercising right now so that I can get to bed by nine, but after reading a few things and thinking about a few things I find myself feeling odd. It is strange, I went to the doctor this morning about planning to get pregnant, and tonight I read for the second time today a poem by Viggo Mortensen about abortion. How very odd that on a day when I am so excited about bringing new life into the world I read about taking it out. I find myself thinking again that the less I know about celebrities the better off I am. The more I know about them and the things that they do the less I enjoy their work. This is one of the many reasons why I don't follow the lives of celebrities, the most important being that I don't view them as important people in my life, so why do I care what ways they screw up their life. I think I am also feeling odd because I have become frustrated with certain people lately, unfortunately, or maybe fortunately I am pretty non-confrontational so they will probably never know that what they are doing is driving me batty. Bad because they will continue to do what they do, but good because I will not be burning bridges and losing friends because I spoke up. Oh well.

Fertility Clinic

Had my first appointment with the fertility clinic today. It went really well, I met my doctor, a very sweet woman who sat me down and asked me a bunch of questions and got to know my story and learned about how Kevin and I have been trying for so long to have children. She really put it into perspective for me when after I told her how long we had been trying she said, "Wait, you have been trying to have children for almost 10 years?"

She gave me a game plan for the next little while, they are going to do more tests on me, check Kevin's semen again, check my tubes again(eek!), and with everything going smoothly we should be able to make our first attempt to get pregnant in December. I am excited about everything and hope that it all goes well.