Valentines and growing babies

Today is Valentines day, and for the first time Davy is old enough for it to be fun. So yesterday I made a few heart shaped cards and supervised Davy while he colored them. He decorated them with scribbles, quite a few letters and numbers as well as some smilie faces. After he went to bed I finished the decorations by making a snowflake heart to stick on the front and also wrote a little message to the person/people the card was for. We made two cards, one for Daddy and one for Nana and Grandpapa (my mom and dad). Today we delivered the cards to them. Davy gave Daddy his card, and then later in the day we visited Nana and Grandpapa and Davy was able to give them their card. He even signed each card, granted the letters weren't all in a line or even necessarily close to each other but the letters DAVY were all on the card in some place. For a Valentines present from Nana and Grandpapa, Davy got some magnetic numbers, which he loved. All in all it has been a fun day. Kevin got me flowers and some chocolates which I shared with Davy and Kevin, they were Lindt petite desserts which are chocolates designed to taste like popular desserts. The other part of his present to me will come later this year, I asked him to take me to the Japanese gardens up in Rockford at some point later this year.

For his present I am going to take him out to eat up in Rockford on Monday, it will be our first date since we had the baby. And our first date so far this year. Needless to say we are looking forward to it. I have saved up some frozen milk for my parents in preparation for babysitting.

In other news Evangeline has been spitting up a lot lately. So I took her to the doctor, he suggested that I eat less dairy for a week and see how things went. So I stopped eating dairy and she began to throw up more. So I said "to heck with it all" and went back to eating dairy and she is not throwing up as much anymore. Crazy. While at the doctor I found out her weight, she is now 7 lbs 5 oz, which is less than what Davy was when he was born. She will be two months old next Tuesday. It seems pretty crazy that she is still so tiny. She is just beginning to grow out of her Newborn clothes.  

Thoughts on children

Tonight I was thinking back to when we lived in Utah and how at the time there was little chance of us having kids. I remember seeing my friends and watching their families grow and realizing that there was a chance that we might never have any. Now that I am someone's mother I am so amazed at how blessed we are just to have our little guy. And even if he turns out to be the only child we can have we are still so blessed to have him.

1st Ultrasound of the baby

Today was my first ultrasound to see the baby. It turned out that it was an internal ultrasound. They told us that they were looking for the yolk sac and they were able to find one. So we are having one baby. It was awesome to see the little thing that will become our baby. Right now it looks like a grain of rice. We were also able to see the heartbeat. I guess today was the first day we would have been able to see it! How exciting. I think the best part of it all was watcing Kevin as the ultrasound techs showed him what he was looking at, he had this look of happy awe on his face the entire time. They pointed out the baby, and the yolk sac and the heartbeat. They said that the heartbeat is currently at 90 beats per minute. They also took a picture of the baby for us. I have the picture below, the little white thing inside the red circle is the baby, the black area around it is the yolk sac. My next ultrasound is scheduled for next week. I can't wait to see how much the baby will have grown!

Ultrasound tomorrow

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound since finding out that I am pregnant. To say it is my first ultrasound would be untruthful though as I have had many internal ultrasounds since starting our attempts at getting pregnant through the fertility clinic, and I had an external ultrasound during the implantation of the embryos.

Tomorrow is the ultrasound that should show me how many babies I have in there. There were two embryos implanted, so we could have one baby, or we could have two, or if the embryos split we could have three or even four. We could have more than four as well, but I am pretty sure that will not happen.

It still seems crazy to me that this early on they can do an ultrasound and discover how many babies we will be having. I have feelings on how many it will be, but I am not going to say what those feelings are until tomorrow. I don't want to jinx it. This week has been a good bit stressful, what with a very important meeting at work this morning and the spotting that happened earlier this week. But the meeting is now over, and the spotting has for the most part gone away. I am feeling better about it all. Still worried, but better.

Tomorrow should show that everything is ok, and should tell us how many babies we have to look forward to. I will be asking the doctor a bunch of questions as well, most important of those being, "Can I get off the progesterone shots? Because 1. They hurt, and 2. I am running out of the medication itself." Hopefully the answer is a good one. Either way I wil probably have an overnight shipment of progesterone to me, I might ask for a sharps container while I am at it. It depends on what she prescribes me.

Stress, fear, I no longer know my emotions

Yesterday I began to spot. I have been told that spotting can be normal in pregnancy. I noticed it right before going to a friend's house. One who knows about my pregnancy, but really hadn't been able to wish me congrats in person yet. With the spotting on my mind it was difficult to be as thankful as I should have been for her congratulations. I felt unsure and awkward.

Last night was terrible. After I returned I googled "spotting at 5 weeks pregnant" of course it pulled up stories from people who miscarried. I pretty much freaked out, I prayed, I wept, and I begged for everything to be ok. This morning I called my doctor's office at 6 am, the message said they didn't open till 6:30 am. The closed office message didn't go down though until about 5 minutes to 7 am. The nurse I needed to talk to wasn't there and so I left a message. (It didn't help that last night I had a dream about going to the doctor's office and speaking to the nurse face to face and having her tell me that it sounded like I lost the baby and that she really couldn't care less) At about 11 am she called me back and told me that it sounded like I would be ok, and that if I started having severe stomach pain and cramping and began to bleed a lot then I should worry and contact them immediately. I took that to mean that if that happened then I would be definitely losing the baby. She told me to take things easy and not to lift anything heavy. I told my manager and she had the meeting I had scheduled for later that day then and there and then sent me home. The meeting itself stressed me out a good deal. And tomorrow I have another meeting that will stress me out pretty good.

Today has been weird for me. I don't know quite how to feel. I feel tired, worn out, and worried about this. I have not really wanted to talk to anyone and so I fear I was snarky at work with certain people. My father in law called and left a message to see how everything was going. I could not call him back, I really did not want to talk about any of it at that point. I still feel torn, what if it all fails, now, now that I have told everyone? I just don't know anymore...should I let things out, should I keep things in? All I feel I can do now, is keep up hope, and wait till Friday for the ultrasound. It seems strange now, I know I should be excited, like I was, about the ultrasound. But at this point I can only worry, and hope everything is ok.

5 weeks

Last night I decided to try and figure out my due date (because so many people have been asking) using a pregnancy calculator. But all the calculators I found out there ask all the wrong questions for me. So I googled IVF Pregnancy Calculator and found one. It was nice to have a calculator that asked for the date of egg collection to determine pregnancy. And based off that date I am 5 weeks along. This Friday when I have my first ultrasound I am going to verify that, but if it is correct then I am farther along than I originally thought. It is exciting.

I am looking forward to Friday. It will be nice to find out how many embryos took, and I have questions I would like to ask the nurse anyway.

Also last night I found a few sites that help prepare people for becoming parents, I figure I can use all the help I can get.

Feeling sick

For those of you who have been waiting to hear about my first bouts with morning sickness, here you go. This morning I have felt rather queasy. Pretty much nauseous over everything, I told my co-worker who got all excited. Not my idea of something to be excited over. Yes it means I am pregnant. But I already knew that. What it has meant is that I have to be rather careful about what smells I am around today. I put scented lotion on this morning and now I am not sure it was such a good idea. I drove someone to work this morning and she wanted to stop by Starbucks on the way. But eventually she told me that I didn’t have to. Which I am actually glad of, because I am not sure if the smell might have put me over the puke level. Thankfully when I got the water for my oatmeal this morning the coffee in the break room didn’t cause me to feel sick. However, now I am sitting here with a cup of oatmeal waiting for the nausea to go away before I eat it.

Thankfully I have not thrown up yet, and I am not looking forward to it. Ironically it seems that people are almost anxious to see me puke. Maybe not “see” it, but hear about it. Almost as if that settles the pregnancy in concrete. I would really rather it not happen.

I am nervous about the cold I had. I did call up the fertility clinic during that time to find out what medicine I could take. They told me Sudafed, and so I went to the store to find a ton of Sudafed options. So I took the cough and cold kind. And now looking back at it I am really scared that it might have done something to the baby(ies). I think I will ask them about it at the ultrasound. I know I need to put it out of my mind so that I don’t get too stressed out about it. But it still makes me nervous.

Faith

Today I read a post from a friend of mine about hope. It discussed the different sides of hope and how many people see it as a good thing and others see it as a bad thing. At the end of the post she asked others about their opinion and if they have any favorite quotes or sayings about hope. So I posted a response and I gave her the following:

"Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
(this is a scripture which can be found in Hebrews 11:1, Ether 12:6, and Alma 32:21)

What is so ironic about this scripture is that on Tuesday after I found out that I was pregnant, after I came home from work, I met up with my mom and we went store hopping. While at Hobby Lobby I found some framed sayings on clearance, and one of them said, "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen." And my mom and I looked at it and she said, "How awesome is it that on the day that you find out you are pregnant you find this picture?" And I who was thinking similarly decided to buy it. I plan to put it up somewhere in my home so that I can remember that day.

As I mentioned in my comment, I think faith and hope go hand in hand. I don't think you can have faith without hope, and I don't think you can have hope without some faith.

Kevin and I have had quite a few experiences with faith, the first was with his cancer, and between then and now we have had many many more, however, through it all we have had faith that someday, one day, we would have kids.

How exciting is it, how wonderful is it that after so long of having faith, after so long of having hope, that now our prayers and our faith is answered? I must say that I am a bit scared for what is to come, but I am also very excited. And I am so very happy that our faith has come through.

Thoughts about pregnancy

It is interesting to find myself at this point in my life. When I was a teen I had it all planned out. I would get married early around 18 or 19, much like my mom did. And I would get pregnant right away. Just like my mom did. And I would have little kids and be a great mom, just like my mom was. Well I did get married early. I was 19 when I tied the knot. But pregnancy became that ever ellusive thing.

In our first year of marriage I was on birth control, because I wanted to finish up some of my college, and I wanted Kevin to get a little further in college as well. But the birth control played a merry mayhem with my hormones and after 6 months I stopped taking it. Six months later cancer hit our lives. And how were we to know that one year into our marriage something like that would happen that would change our lives forever?

So now here I am 9 years later, almost at my 10 year anniversary, and finally after trying so many things we finally get pregnant. How exciting it is. And how surreal. I still don't quite know what to think yet. I still don't know quite what to do about it all. And there is a part of me that fears that something may happen to ruin this wonderful miracle.

Today Kevin wrote a blog about it on his Facebook, and I must say that after reading it I really am grateful to have the husband I have. I am linking it below for those interested.


I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!
Today at 1:09pm
Unofficial $4 pregnancy test yesterday says I'm going to be a daddy. Official doctor run pregnancy test was today, but we don't have the results yet. It gives me a lot to think about. Married for 10 years without any children, but not because we didn't want them. It was because cancer treatments sterilized me after our first year of marriage.

Strange to think about. At Church and at work and among family members, childless equates to "not really a full-fledged adult yet." Ten years married without children has seemed to be ten years in limbo, somewhere between "no longer a child" and "not a real bonifide adult." Sometimes you could just scream when you hear, "You'll understand when you have children." But now that incredibly incomplete and bitter reality appears to be at an end.

It's amazing how many perspectives you get on this. Coworkers Jeff and Doug both recommend, "Don't do it! Don't have kids! It'll ruin your life and make you miserable!" They speak from experience as both of them have kids, yet really have no way to understand because their background is so vastly different from ours. Growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints -- the only Christian religion I'm aware of that places eternal significance on marriage and children. How could anyone understand without coming from that same background? How could anyone understand the feeling of utter incompleteness and emptiness we've felt for 10 years, unless they too have experienced 10+ years of childlessness?

There can be little doubt that those 10 years are going to have a big impact on our attitudes and actions as parents. Hopefully it will all be for the better. I worry a bit that we might spoil the children we have because we've spent such a long time wanting them and never having them. I worry a bit that we'll be inadequate parents -- but seriously, is there even such a thing as a perfect parent?? More than anything, what I'm feeling and thinking is, "It's about time!" I think the absolute elation of the news is just beginning to sink in.

I think I'm stopping myself from feeling this yet because a $4 pregnancy test is the only confirmation we have so far. They say that false positives are rare with those tests, but isn't completely reassuring. But even if it's not 100% certain, it's the best news I've had in about 10 years.

Right in the middle of writing this, Rachel called. IT'S OFFICIAL!! I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!

Test next week should tell us how many. Any number one or above is just fine by me!

Children and waiting

What is it about the world and waiting to have children? Today I go to get started on our taxes. We don't do them ourselves, we take them to H&R Block, because truthfully we don't trust ourselves to do them right on our own. So, I am going through the questions with the woman and she gets to the question of do we have any kids. I tell her, "No, but hopefully this year we will." She says, "Oh you have time, no need to rush." And I say, "Well we have been waiting for 10 years, we are pretty much ready."

It is not really her or the comment that bothered me, it is rather the fact that she is not the only one who has told me that I should wait. That I have time. That I don't need to hurry to get pregnant.

Why is it, that often when I mention to someone that I am planning on trying to get pregnant they seem to feel a need to dissuade me from the idea? There is a lady at work who I do not share any information with about the fact that I am trying to get pregnant. Because she will go on a rant about how I should not have kids, because she had kids and now she wishes she didn't because she is always worried about them. She says it in a half joking half serious manner, but I really have no patience for it anymore.

10 years, ten years in July that we will have waited to have children. 10 years of women at church making comments or questions about us not having kids. 10 years of watching other women with their children, wishing it was me. 10 years of standing up on Mother's day at church, because I am a woman over 18, but not wanting to because I am not a Mother. 10 years of feeling awkward on Mother's day anyway. 10 years of hearing other women go on and on about their kids, their plans for school and sports, and other extra curricular activities with their kids, and having nothing to say back, because I just can't relate. And then I think, that if only this, or if only that we might just have a kid that turned 9 or 8 or 7 this year. I might have a different life all together.

For those who don't want children, great for you, go live your life and leave me alone. But don't tell me I should wait. I have waited.

My religion is one that I love, I believe deeply in it and it shapes the way I live my life. However, it is a very family oriented society, people are encouraged to get married and have children. And living in my family doesn't make that any easier. We have been encouraged by both my family and Kevin's to get pregnant. Heck any time I got sick and talked to my mother and made mention of it she would ask if I was pregnant.

I am tired of waiting, I am tired of being childless any longer. And after the insane two months we have just waited to have the semen vials shipped I am so ready to get this done. I am done waiting, so leave me alone about it.