Friday, December 8, 2017

Coping

Today I thought about coping. I finally found a good song to cry to. I have been needing a good long cry lately. I went this entire year crying very little and having much to cry about. Sometimes it feels like I must be strong to make it through the tough times. And sometimes I think that ends up being holding it all in while I put up a strong front. It has been a rough year, I gave myself time to cry once during the whole heart surgery for Kevin thing. I didn't cry over the flood, didn't give myself time to mourn my Grandpa, just held it all in. Didn't express the stress from Kevin having such a long stretch of unemployment this year, just let it all build up. Developed new coping methods. Found blessings in the trials, and developed permanent new nervous habits. Almost ceaselessly bouncing my legs and I chew on my fingers until they bleed. I keep myself distracted with games and other things to keep from thinking about everything because thinking about it all causes me to feel overwhelmed.

I realized that I have not had a good solid weird friend since Grayslake, so basically 2010. And I haven't had a good friend that I can completely let my guards down with since Utah. At least not outside my family. And this year I learned a hard lesson there too. I realized that sometimes I overshare things and because of stupid decisions on my part with sharing info on my Grandpa on Facebook now my family hardly trusts me with stuff. Or if they do they give me the disclaimer of, now don't put this on facebook. As if I really needed to be told that.

Though I really do look for the blessings, I have no one to vent to. I have no one to release my worries and fears to. And so it builds, and I just need to release, I just need to let things go sometimes. Tonight I have wept, and it is good. Tonight I have let things out for the first time in a long time. Here's hoping that next year isn't quite so full of trials. Here's to hoping for some stability. In the meantime the tears fall and I let my worries fall with them.

2017

Each year around this time my Father in law like each of his children to give a synopsis of their family's year. So I have been thinking over our year and what our synopsis would be.
January: Open heart triple bypass surgery for Kevin during which he died once, and had his heart stopped for the surgery.
February: Recovery/Basement flooded almost 2 feet
March: Recovery and the beginning of job hunting for Kevin
May: Kevin starts new contract job
July: After over 18 years of battling with terminal cancer my Grandfather passed away
August: Kevin's contract ends
September: David begins to have violent tantrums at school
November: Kevin starts a new contract job
December: Starting the process to get ABA therapy for David
Overall it has been a year full of trials, and yet one of my ways of getting through trials is to look for the blessings.
January: Once again Kevin cheated death. The doctors told us that if he had waited one more month he would probably have died of a heart attack. We saw so many miracles happen in that hospital. And I still have my best friend and husband to spend each day with.
February/March: Kevin recovered quickly enough to be able to start looking for work. Though our basement flooded we saw an outpouring of love and support from people. We had so many people help us clean up the ruined things.
May: We were so blessed that Kevin found a good job for over the summer.
July: Though it was sad to lose my Grandpa it is good to know that he is now at peace and no longer in pain.
August: We got to have Kevin at home for a bit while he looked for a new job
September: We were able to explore new ways of working with David to see if they would help, many of those ways making it easier to talk with David
November: Though the new contract is only three months long it is already causing Kevin to stretch and grow. When he is done with this contract it will give his resume a huge boost.
December: We are hopeful that ABA therapy will help David develop the skills he needs to be able to self-regulate his own emotions.
Overall it has been a year of so many blessings and miracles. It really is wonderful to see God's hand in our lives and to see how he really does bless us individually. He knows each of us and is willing to bless us if we turn to him. I am so thankful for all the blessings I have received this year.
I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Phillippians 4:13)