Waiting

What a week, and it isn’t quite over yet. I feel tired and worn out and can’t wait till I get my news. It will either be a, yes you are pregnant or a no you are not pregnant. And though I know which one I want it to be I still just want it to be over. Last night I went to the bathroom before going to bed, much like I do every night, and there was spotting, the kind that usually happens right before I start my period. There I was, ready to go to sleep, so that I could wake and get my blood taken. Full of fear and hope, but mostly hope, and then that happens. I spent the next hour or so struggling between tears and calm for sleep. This morning I woke and it is still just spotting, which could be fine, because other women spot during their pregnancy, but then again it could still be me starting my period.

On the way to my dr appointment I listened to the Christian station, and they had my new favorite band on in the studio with them. The band, Phe, sang the song I have recently fallen in love with, “Everything Falls”. The song is about when everything falls apart that God will be there for us to lift us up and give us hope and keep us strong. I started bawling in the car and had to calm myself so I could see. I am not sure how to feel about everything, I feel pulled in so many directions, and I just want to find out one way or another what the answer to my blood test is.

As I lay in bed last night I decided that if it is a negative that I will send out communication to everyone letting them know and telling them that I do not wish to talk about it right now. When or if I do want to talk about it I will contact them and bring the subject up, but that I would appreciate it if people don’t bring it up to me. This is mostly so I don’t have a ton of people asking me about it and me dissolving into tears each time.