Wishes for Sons

Lucille Clifton wrote a poem called Wishes for Sons, when I was in college I remember reading it and loving it. It basically wishes them the hardships of being a woman.

Pregnancy is a strange thing, when I was pregnant with David I remember wanting a girl. As the oldest child in my family I liked being where I was in the birth order. I liked being a girl and I liked being the oldest. I liked the person it made me. And I wanted to have a daughter who had that too. I wanted a little girl as my first baby. In fact I wanted it so bad that I almost refused to believe the anatomy ultrasound that told us it was a little boy. I had convinced myself so well that I was having a girl that I really didn't want to believe that I actually was having a boy. And then he came.

As I wrote in my last post there is something amazing that happens when you have your children, a type of love that you just can't explain. And it doesn't hurt that Davy is an exceptionally sweet little boy. He is crazy and busy and wild and full of mood swings and life, but with all that comes a certain wonderful sweetness that I never expected. There are times where he will climb onto my lap and snuggle with me for a good long time. Different little things, little actions that he takes that shows me without a doubt that this little boy loves me and is a little sweetheart. And having a child like him makes me nervous about what is to come.

This pregnancy I am pregnant with a little girl. I had a feeling that I was from the very start, but having learned my lesson with Davy I didn't believe it until I had the ultrasound. And ironically I haven't been as excited about it all as I was expecting to be. I mean I wanted a girl, I really did. But there was a part of me that was ok with another boy, a part that actually really wanted another boy, because I knew what to expect. But there is still that part of me that is thrilled that I am having a girl. Someone I can bond with, someone I can become great friends with similar to how I am great friends with my mom. But there is also this huge fear in me that we will have a mother daughter relationship that is filled with arguments and anger. One of the young women in my ward told me that my daughter will hate me when she is a teenager. What a terrible proclamation on my mother daughter relationship before it has even begun. For the most part I have put the comment to the side knowing that it probably stems from the fact that this particular young woman does not get along very well with her own mother. I personally had a fantastic relationship with my mom when I was a teen. She was always a good friend of mine and still is. However, the comment has caused a good amount of fear in me, that my daughter and I may not get along.

When it really comes down to it though I learned a lot about parenting from my own parents. And one of the best things I learned was, no matter what your child does, no matter how irresponsible or stupid or aggravating it is, the most important thing you can do for them is to love them no matter what. There is a lot we can learn from Christ and his father, our Heavenly Father, they love us no matter what. They may not be particularly proud of the choices we make, but they love us still.

Life is a test, a test to see how we will do before we come back to God. And parenthood is a test to see how much we can model ourselves after God and the way he chooses to parent. I am so happy for all the children I have, sons, daughters, however many of either I end up having. And my wish for them, no matter who they are or what they do is that they will be able to feel the love I have for them and know how much I love them, no matter what.

Reflections on being a Mother

Today I watched the movie Brave. Maybe it is because I am pregnant and therefore more emotional, or maybe it is just that being a mother opens those emotional floodgates but there were quite a few times I found myself crying during the movie. Mostly it was due to my feelings as a mother and my feelings for my children.

I have been thinking about motherhood quite a bit lately, and I find it interesting what I have come to as I gather more and more time as a mother. Maybe these thoughts come to me because I have had a good amount of time in life to accept adulthood and my role as an adult. It was somewhere in my early twenties that I finally came to the point where I felt like an adult. It is ironic to me that most people today don't really regard someone as an adult until they reach their 30s or so. It seems almost ridiculous. Especially considering that they assume that people will do stupid things in their 20s and then become responsible in their 30s. Truth is, your teen years are the time for you to be stupid, by the time you leave for college you need to really start making the transition into thinking about the world with an adult frame of mind. Either way, by the time I was in my late 20s I was pretty sure that I felt like an adult, and couldn't really have more growing up to do. And why was it that other adults who had children didn't really treat me as quite equal to them. I had gone through hard things, I had grown substantially, I felt like a responsible adult. Why then did they treat me as if I was lacking some essential component to make me into a full adult. Then I had David and it all clicked into place.

When I was a child and into my teens I viewed the world as a giant puzzle, when things made sense, when things people had talked to me about but really hadn't fully made sense finally came together and clicked I saw it as a puzzle piece finally finding its place in the puzzle and clicking into place. I could almost hear the clicks as it happened. David was one of those puzzle piece moments. Sure it didn't happen all at once, but very shortly after having him I saw exactly why other adults with children still treated Kevin and I as if we weren't quite adults yet. Because we really weren't. We were almost full adults, but not quite.

There is something about parenthood that changes a person. I am sure that it doesn't happen for every person out there, but for the good parents I am pretty sure it does. Suddenly you are given a type of responsibility that you have never had before. Responsibility that doesn't just go away. And day by day that responsibility changes and grows and becomes something different. Everyday is slightly different than the last with new discoveries and challenges. And you have this little person who loves you and learns from you and who you find you love more than anyone you have ever met so far. And that, that is really something.

I was talking with Kevin about it the other day. When you are a child you love your family. You sometimes fight with them and don't agree on everything, but at the end of the day when it really comes down to it you truly love them. Then at some point you grow up and go out into the world and hopefully find someone that you fall in love with. So much in love with that you feel like you have never really known love before. You love them so much that you want to spend your life with them. And you get married and go off to start a family together. And then, hopefully at some point you have children. And with that first child you discover something amazing. That wonderful intense love you feel for your spouse, well it is nothing compared to the love you feel for your child. In fact you have never felt love so intense before, it is astonishing. And that brings me to certain conclusions of motherhood that I have come to.

1. You have to put God first. I had always heard this before, put God first and your family second. But I couldn't really get my head around it completely. Then this year I found myself relying on the Lord for answers to different decisions I have had to make. As I relied more and more on his help I also found myself doing the small things I need to be doing anyway, praying, reading scriptures, going to church. And I have found that I really like where it all takes me. And I realized that to be the kind of mother I want to be I need to make God my first priority. I need to make sure I am doing the things that keep me close to him and his gospel, because there is really no other way I can better prepare myself and my children to live in this world and still keep hold to the gospel. This all being said, putting God first does not mean putting church callings above family. Church comes fourth in this list, but God and your relationship with him comes first.
2. You have to put your spouse second. After God your spouse should come next. Which as you get farther into your marriage becomes difficult, especially if you remember what I mentioned above about your new love for your child being so much more powerful than your love for your spouse. But when it really comes down to it the truth of the matter is that one of the best things you can do for your children is to let them know that you love your spouse. And that when the chips fall you stand by your spouse no matter what. A marriage really is the union of two people into one, and if you don't stand as one then you will soon be divided.
3. You have to put your children third. Though it may be difficult to keep them there this is where they need to be. Third on the list and they need to stay there, you can't let them rise or fall. Remember your family is more important than pretty much anything else in your life. The only thing that comes before family is your own eternal salvation. It is much like on an airplane when they say, "if there is an emergency where you need to use oxygen masks remember to put your own mask on first before helping another person to put on their mask." You can't help to save someone else if you have not saved yourself first. The important thing here is to remember that your children, your family should come before other things. Games, work, life in general. It will all pass and at some point everything will be gone, but your ties to your family will remain forever. No matter what you do in life you will still be tied to your family even if you do disown them.

The best way to go through life then is to make the most of the eternal things. Make the most of your eternal salvation, make the most of your eternal partnership with your spouse, and make the most of your eternal ties to your family. A bit of a rambling from where I started but in the end this is what it all comes back to, the eternal things in life.

TV Ruins Me

TV ruins me. Seriously it does. For example, today I am in the restroom and this huge jumping spider crawls out from behind the towel we have hanging up for drying your hands. Now when I say huge I mean huge in the size range of jumping spiders. Jumping spiders in general are pretty small little things most about the size of a pea, but this thing was about the size of a dime legs and all and it was black. Overall it was a neat looking thing, but it scared me, and I think I scared it. We both sized each other up and I, rather than grabbing a piece of convenient toilet paper and squishing it, looked it over and began talking to it. I was kind of stuck where I was for the moment and so I told it that I wasn't too happy to see it as I was sure it wasn't too happy to see me. Then I thought about Monster Bug Wars, a show that Kevin and I watch on Discovery Wild, and what that show says about jumping spiders. Very smart, very good predators, and as I watched it I realized that I didn't want to kill it, rather I wanted to get it out of my house, alive. So after I washed my hands I went and got a glass and a piece of paper and then trapped it and took it outside where I let it go. Later I sent a picture that I took of it to Kevin, who seemed genuinely shocked that I not only took a picture of the thing but caught it and let it go outside. Yeah, I am more of a scream and squish type person than a catch and release type person when it comes to spiders. TV is ruining me.

So a few days ago I was driving to my parents house and I saw this bird in the road, it was just sitting there in the middle of the road and when I drove by it didn't hop away, just sat there. So I turned my car around, parked it, and went and chased the bird off into the grass so it wouldn't get hit by a car.

Today I had a similar experience. I went over to my parent's house to visit my dad and when I was about a block away I came across a female mallard duck standing in the middle of the road, she moved away from my car slowly which seemed odd to me. But I went on to my parent's house and parked and got Davy out and stood around talking with my dad as he cleaned his garage and fixed up his work room. As I stood there I looked back down the street and saw the duck, still there in the middle of the road, dodging around cars and other vehicles that passed her but not really moving away from where she was. So I figured I would walk down there with Davy and see what was up. I scared her off the road and into the grass where I found an interesting thing, she had six chicks that were trying to follow her.

The subdivision my parents live in is new construction and around the lots they haven't yet built houses on they have put up little plastic fences, short enough to step over if you are a person but tall enough that you wouldn't ever be able to get over if you are a duckling. So I went back and told my dad about it and decided that I would gather up the ducklings and get them across the road for the mama duck. This was easier said than done. I chased the ducklings, which were all very good at running away and hiding from me. Eventually I caught them all, which confused the mama duck, as she could not see her ducklings anywhere. But she could hear them, so I led her across the road by walking with the box of ducklings and having her follow the sound. Eventually we all got across the road and into a protected area, and into an area that led directly to a pond that mama and babies could all take sanctuary in. I gently let the babies out of the box and the mama duck flew right to them and began walking like nothing had happened. And all the little babies lined up and followed her in the direction of the pond.

It really makes me think about what it would be like if I didn't have arms and couldn't grab my baby and couldn't easily protect him from nature and humankind and the elements and things that got in my way. What would it be like to give birth to him and know that I had to get him to safety but safety was a dangerous obstacle course away? It makes me grateful that I can keep him safe, and can keep him from harm. It makes me happy that I can help another mother out there keep her babies safe and get them to safety when she can't.