Wishes for Sons

Lucille Clifton wrote a poem called Wishes for Sons, when I was in college I remember reading it and loving it. It basically wishes them the hardships of being a woman.

Pregnancy is a strange thing, when I was pregnant with David I remember wanting a girl. As the oldest child in my family I liked being where I was in the birth order. I liked being a girl and I liked being the oldest. I liked the person it made me. And I wanted to have a daughter who had that too. I wanted a little girl as my first baby. In fact I wanted it so bad that I almost refused to believe the anatomy ultrasound that told us it was a little boy. I had convinced myself so well that I was having a girl that I really didn't want to believe that I actually was having a boy. And then he came.

As I wrote in my last post there is something amazing that happens when you have your children, a type of love that you just can't explain. And it doesn't hurt that Davy is an exceptionally sweet little boy. He is crazy and busy and wild and full of mood swings and life, but with all that comes a certain wonderful sweetness that I never expected. There are times where he will climb onto my lap and snuggle with me for a good long time. Different little things, little actions that he takes that shows me without a doubt that this little boy loves me and is a little sweetheart. And having a child like him makes me nervous about what is to come.

This pregnancy I am pregnant with a little girl. I had a feeling that I was from the very start, but having learned my lesson with Davy I didn't believe it until I had the ultrasound. And ironically I haven't been as excited about it all as I was expecting to be. I mean I wanted a girl, I really did. But there was a part of me that was ok with another boy, a part that actually really wanted another boy, because I knew what to expect. But there is still that part of me that is thrilled that I am having a girl. Someone I can bond with, someone I can become great friends with similar to how I am great friends with my mom. But there is also this huge fear in me that we will have a mother daughter relationship that is filled with arguments and anger. One of the young women in my ward told me that my daughter will hate me when she is a teenager. What a terrible proclamation on my mother daughter relationship before it has even begun. For the most part I have put the comment to the side knowing that it probably stems from the fact that this particular young woman does not get along very well with her own mother. I personally had a fantastic relationship with my mom when I was a teen. She was always a good friend of mine and still is. However, the comment has caused a good amount of fear in me, that my daughter and I may not get along.

When it really comes down to it though I learned a lot about parenting from my own parents. And one of the best things I learned was, no matter what your child does, no matter how irresponsible or stupid or aggravating it is, the most important thing you can do for them is to love them no matter what. There is a lot we can learn from Christ and his father, our Heavenly Father, they love us no matter what. They may not be particularly proud of the choices we make, but they love us still.

Life is a test, a test to see how we will do before we come back to God. And parenthood is a test to see how much we can model ourselves after God and the way he chooses to parent. I am so happy for all the children I have, sons, daughters, however many of either I end up having. And my wish for them, no matter who they are or what they do is that they will be able to feel the love I have for them and know how much I love them, no matter what.