Thoughts about pregnancy

It is interesting to find myself at this point in my life. When I was a teen I had it all planned out. I would get married early around 18 or 19, much like my mom did. And I would get pregnant right away. Just like my mom did. And I would have little kids and be a great mom, just like my mom was. Well I did get married early. I was 19 when I tied the knot. But pregnancy became that ever ellusive thing.

In our first year of marriage I was on birth control, because I wanted to finish up some of my college, and I wanted Kevin to get a little further in college as well. But the birth control played a merry mayhem with my hormones and after 6 months I stopped taking it. Six months later cancer hit our lives. And how were we to know that one year into our marriage something like that would happen that would change our lives forever?

So now here I am 9 years later, almost at my 10 year anniversary, and finally after trying so many things we finally get pregnant. How exciting it is. And how surreal. I still don't quite know what to think yet. I still don't know quite what to do about it all. And there is a part of me that fears that something may happen to ruin this wonderful miracle.

Today Kevin wrote a blog about it on his Facebook, and I must say that after reading it I really am grateful to have the husband I have. I am linking it below for those interested.


I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!
Today at 1:09pm
Unofficial $4 pregnancy test yesterday says I'm going to be a daddy. Official doctor run pregnancy test was today, but we don't have the results yet. It gives me a lot to think about. Married for 10 years without any children, but not because we didn't want them. It was because cancer treatments sterilized me after our first year of marriage.

Strange to think about. At Church and at work and among family members, childless equates to "not really a full-fledged adult yet." Ten years married without children has seemed to be ten years in limbo, somewhere between "no longer a child" and "not a real bonifide adult." Sometimes you could just scream when you hear, "You'll understand when you have children." But now that incredibly incomplete and bitter reality appears to be at an end.

It's amazing how many perspectives you get on this. Coworkers Jeff and Doug both recommend, "Don't do it! Don't have kids! It'll ruin your life and make you miserable!" They speak from experience as both of them have kids, yet really have no way to understand because their background is so vastly different from ours. Growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints -- the only Christian religion I'm aware of that places eternal significance on marriage and children. How could anyone understand without coming from that same background? How could anyone understand the feeling of utter incompleteness and emptiness we've felt for 10 years, unless they too have experienced 10+ years of childlessness?

There can be little doubt that those 10 years are going to have a big impact on our attitudes and actions as parents. Hopefully it will all be for the better. I worry a bit that we might spoil the children we have because we've spent such a long time wanting them and never having them. I worry a bit that we'll be inadequate parents -- but seriously, is there even such a thing as a perfect parent?? More than anything, what I'm feeling and thinking is, "It's about time!" I think the absolute elation of the news is just beginning to sink in.

I think I'm stopping myself from feeling this yet because a $4 pregnancy test is the only confirmation we have so far. They say that false positives are rare with those tests, but isn't completely reassuring. But even if it's not 100% certain, it's the best news I've had in about 10 years.

Right in the middle of writing this, Rachel called. IT'S OFFICIAL!! I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!

Test next week should tell us how many. Any number one or above is just fine by me!