Friday, May 28, 2010

Feeling sick

For those of you who have been waiting to hear about my first bouts with morning sickness, here you go. This morning I have felt rather queasy. Pretty much nauseous over everything, I told my co-worker who got all excited. Not my idea of something to be excited over. Yes it means I am pregnant. But I already knew that. What it has meant is that I have to be rather careful about what smells I am around today. I put scented lotion on this morning and now I am not sure it was such a good idea. I drove someone to work this morning and she wanted to stop by Starbucks on the way. But eventually she told me that I didn’t have to. Which I am actually glad of, because I am not sure if the smell might have put me over the puke level. Thankfully when I got the water for my oatmeal this morning the coffee in the break room didn’t cause me to feel sick. However, now I am sitting here with a cup of oatmeal waiting for the nausea to go away before I eat it.

Thankfully I have not thrown up yet, and I am not looking forward to it. Ironically it seems that people are almost anxious to see me puke. Maybe not “see” it, but hear about it. Almost as if that settles the pregnancy in concrete. I would really rather it not happen.

I am nervous about the cold I had. I did call up the fertility clinic during that time to find out what medicine I could take. They told me Sudafed, and so I went to the store to find a ton of Sudafed options. So I took the cough and cold kind. And now looking back at it I am really scared that it might have done something to the baby(ies). I think I will ask them about it at the ultrasound. I know I need to put it out of my mind so that I don’t get too stressed out about it. But it still makes me nervous.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Faith

Today I read a post from a friend of mine about hope. It discussed the different sides of hope and how many people see it as a good thing and others see it as a bad thing. At the end of the post she asked others about their opinion and if they have any favorite quotes or sayings about hope. So I posted a response and I gave her the following:

"Faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
(this is a scripture which can be found in Hebrews 11:1, Ether 12:6, and Alma 32:21)

What is so ironic about this scripture is that on Tuesday after I found out that I was pregnant, after I came home from work, I met up with my mom and we went store hopping. While at Hobby Lobby I found some framed sayings on clearance, and one of them said, "Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen." And my mom and I looked at it and she said, "How awesome is it that on the day that you find out you are pregnant you find this picture?" And I who was thinking similarly decided to buy it. I plan to put it up somewhere in my home so that I can remember that day.

As I mentioned in my comment, I think faith and hope go hand in hand. I don't think you can have faith without hope, and I don't think you can have hope without some faith.

Kevin and I have had quite a few experiences with faith, the first was with his cancer, and between then and now we have had many many more, however, through it all we have had faith that someday, one day, we would have kids.

How exciting is it, how wonderful is it that after so long of having faith, after so long of having hope, that now our prayers and our faith is answered? I must say that I am a bit scared for what is to come, but I am also very excited. And I am so very happy that our faith has come through.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Shots

So on Thursday (tomorrow) I have another appointment with the Fertility Clinic, they will be testing my progesterone levels. Hopefully they are good enough that I can stop the shots. But if they are not I think I am going to ask if I can start suppositories. On Monday night I tried something different with the ice pack, I sat on it. Usually I just lie there on my stomach and let it sit on me. I tried it because Kevin thought it might get my butt colder because the last few shots I have felt more than usual.

Well sitting on it did get things colder, but I now wonder if it was too much colder. When we took the ice pack off Kevin was worried by how the skin felt. I didn't feel any of the shot, but I now have a huge welt there where the ice pack was, and the entire area hurts like I got a bunch of shots all over that area.

So last night we did 7 minutes instead of 10 and that worked better. I felt the shot a little bit, but not enough for it to really matter.

Another interesting thing. After the IV attempts from the surgery I anticipated the blood test to hurt as the needle went in. Having the last thing that went in there be the IV I must say that the blood test was almost nice.

Am I getting used to shots? Probably, I don't know quite what to think of it all. Especially considering that I have always had a slight fear of needles. Today I read over the post when I gave myself my first shot for the Artificial Insemination attempt. I was so nervous and scared at the time. And now looking back all I can think is, "Heh, that shot was easy peasy! Nothing to get worked up over. The other subcutaneous shots I gave myself were pretty much the same as that shot. And they weren't that bad really."

If they do give me the go ahead to use progesterone suppositories though I will take them up on it. As much as it might seem that I like waking up out of deep sleep at 2 am so that I can get my butt iced and then a 1 1/2 inch needle stabbed into my butt, I really don't. Besides my butt is beginning to feel numb and I am beginning to wonder if all the icing is causing nerve damage.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Thoughts about pregnancy

It is interesting to find myself at this point in my life. When I was a teen I had it all planned out. I would get married early around 18 or 19, much like my mom did. And I would get pregnant right away. Just like my mom did. And I would have little kids and be a great mom, just like my mom was. Well I did get married early. I was 19 when I tied the knot. But pregnancy became that ever ellusive thing.

In our first year of marriage I was on birth control, because I wanted to finish up some of my college, and I wanted Kevin to get a little further in college as well. But the birth control played a merry mayhem with my hormones and after 6 months I stopped taking it. Six months later cancer hit our lives. And how were we to know that one year into our marriage something like that would happen that would change our lives forever?

So now here I am 9 years later, almost at my 10 year anniversary, and finally after trying so many things we finally get pregnant. How exciting it is. And how surreal. I still don't quite know what to think yet. I still don't know quite what to do about it all. And there is a part of me that fears that something may happen to ruin this wonderful miracle.

Today Kevin wrote a blog about it on his Facebook, and I must say that after reading it I really am grateful to have the husband I have. I am linking it below for those interested.


I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!
Today at 1:09pm
Unofficial $4 pregnancy test yesterday says I'm going to be a daddy. Official doctor run pregnancy test was today, but we don't have the results yet. It gives me a lot to think about. Married for 10 years without any children, but not because we didn't want them. It was because cancer treatments sterilized me after our first year of marriage.

Strange to think about. At Church and at work and among family members, childless equates to "not really a full-fledged adult yet." Ten years married without children has seemed to be ten years in limbo, somewhere between "no longer a child" and "not a real bonifide adult." Sometimes you could just scream when you hear, "You'll understand when you have children." But now that incredibly incomplete and bitter reality appears to be at an end.

It's amazing how many perspectives you get on this. Coworkers Jeff and Doug both recommend, "Don't do it! Don't have kids! It'll ruin your life and make you miserable!" They speak from experience as both of them have kids, yet really have no way to understand because their background is so vastly different from ours. Growing up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints -- the only Christian religion I'm aware of that places eternal significance on marriage and children. How could anyone understand without coming from that same background? How could anyone understand the feeling of utter incompleteness and emptiness we've felt for 10 years, unless they too have experienced 10+ years of childlessness?

There can be little doubt that those 10 years are going to have a big impact on our attitudes and actions as parents. Hopefully it will all be for the better. I worry a bit that we might spoil the children we have because we've spent such a long time wanting them and never having them. I worry a bit that we'll be inadequate parents -- but seriously, is there even such a thing as a perfect parent?? More than anything, what I'm feeling and thinking is, "It's about time!" I think the absolute elation of the news is just beginning to sink in.

I think I'm stopping myself from feeling this yet because a $4 pregnancy test is the only confirmation we have so far. They say that false positives are rare with those tests, but isn't completely reassuring. But even if it's not 100% certain, it's the best news I've had in about 10 years.

Right in the middle of writing this, Rachel called. IT'S OFFICIAL!! I'M GOING TO BE A DADDY!!

Test next week should tell us how many. Any number one or above is just fine by me!

It's official!

So last night we decided to buy a $4 pregnancy test from Target and the results came back positive! We called up all our family and told them that though the tests can be faulty at least it was a possible positive.

This morning I went in to the fertility clinic and had my blood taken. At 1 pm today they called me up and made it official. I am pregnant!

So exciting, I am not quite sure if it has really sunk in fully yet. But as it is I am super excited about it all. I can't believe that in 9 months I should be having a baby or maybe two.

On Thursday (7 am) I will go back to the fertility clinic and they will do another blood test to see how my hormone levels are doing, especially the progesterone. And then next week they will have me come back in for my first ultrasound. They said that we should be able to see how many are in there at that time.

It's so exciting, I will probably post later about feelings and thoughts and such. But for now I am sticking with the anouncement. I'm pregnant! I'm going to be a Mommy!!!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Tomorrow

Time seems to have passed in a strange jerking motion. To think that I started this two week wait driving out to my parent's. What a strange visit. Good, but strange, and filled with stress here and there. And then to get sick at the end of it. Which caused the rest of the time to flow in a strange half aware motion that illness seems to always bring with it. And now here I am, at work again, feeling better, but still sick. Anxious for tomorrow. Last time I knew a day or two ahead of time, because I began to bleed. This time though there is no blood to give me the heads up.

This morning I glanced through drawers for pregnancy tests. Knowing that tonight would be when I could test myself with a faulty drugstore pee stick. I find myself at the same crossroads as I did last time. Do I want to know the night before? Or should I just wait till tomorrow? It ties my stomach in knots thinking about it. I will probably just wait for tomorrow. It is better to know for sure then guess early. At least this time there has only been one baby dream.

Last night we watched the last disk of the 2nd season of House. One of the episodes involved a baby, it was difficult to watch. Tonight could be the last of my progesterone shots, or not. We shall see.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

What a vacation! Fun, stressful, and full of cute kids. So on last Tuesday (May 11th) I had the embryo transfer, which went great! Then we got everything ready and drove out to my parent's house. My sister arrived later that evening. Got to see my grandparents, which went well, thank goodness. Between last Tuesday and this Tuesday I: Spent a lot of great time with my sister and her cutie Sydney, spent a lot of time with my brother and my sister in law and their cutie Carli, went with my mom to a mammogram that didn't happen, found out that while we were gone to said appointment that Kevin and my brother had gotten into a fight that my dad joined and that Kevin didn't want to stay anymore, ended up fixing things between Kevin and my brother and dad ensuring that we could stay, went to church with my family, went swimming with my family, played Frisbee with my family at the park, got family pictures taken, watched a lot of movies and caught the cold that my sister had. Now I have a really bad cold, ironically hers was really mild.

Went back to work today, had to go home early and based on how I feel when I wake up tomorrow I may not go in tomorrow. Feel like crap. Tired and needing to hit up ACE for Kevin. Wanted to post an update on everything. Oh and the shots have been going well. Because we ice up the shots don't hurt going in, but the next day my butt feels super bruised.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Embryo Transfer

The embryo transfer happened today. I went in at 8 am and was put in a room much like the last time. They had me change and put bracelets on me, then after a long wait they took me up to the operating room. This time it was much like when I had the artificial insemination. The doctor (it was the doctor and not a nurse) put me into stirrups and put a speculum in me and then put a catheter into my cervix and into my uterus. They did an ultrasound on my belly which allowed them to see where the embryos were going. The embryos went in just fine and arrived right were they needed to be. Everything went really well. I didn't even cramp when the catheter went in. Now the waiting. My next appointment is May 25 to have my pregnancy test.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Transfer tomorrow

Got the call this morning to tell me to be at the hospital by 8 am tomorrow. Tomorrow is the transfer where they will be putting the two embryos into my uterus and I can begin the waiting again.

Today I feel bloated still and feel rather snarky. I think the bloating is giving me heartburn and no amount of drinking water is seeming to fix it. I think I have some heartburn pills in my car, so if this continues I think I will head down and grab one to take.

I also feel tired, much like I did yesterday. I am looking forward to the bloated feeling going away. Tomorrow I will probably also travel out to Rochelle to spend the week. I am looking forward to getting away from work and everything. I am so fed up with everything here right now.

Kevin did really good with the Progesterone shot last night. I think icing the area has been a great idea, as I am really not feeling much of what he is doing when he gives me the shot. Yay for Intermuscular shots with no pain!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Embryos

The embryologist called today. Out of the five eggs that they were able to get from me only four were mature. She fertilized those four eggs and out of the four only two became embryos. We were hoping for more, but two was what our fertility doctor was intending on implanting originally. So two it is. On the bright side, with no embryos to freeze it means that we will not have to pay the $800 for storage.

Tomorrow is my first and last day of work this up coming week, and then after that is the transplant day. Wish me luck and keep me in your prayers.

Progesterone Shots

Yesterday my friend Deb came over to show Kevin how to give me the Progesterone shots. She showed him how to draw up the medicine, and how to get the area ready for the shot, and then how to dart the needle in and inject the medicine. She had him practice with the needle we used for the HCG shot and try it all on an orange. He did pretty good and got a lot of practice in. Then he had me ice myself to get ready for the shot. When I was ready and he was ready we took off the ice pack of frozen veggies and he gave me the shot. He did great with it all. I am really proud of him!

He was really thankful that Deb came by to help him with getting all ready for giving me the shots. I think he is a lot less nervous about them now. And I feel good about him giving them to me. The shot he gave me yesterday didn't even hurt. Good job Kevy!!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

The Surgery

Here is a rundown of how the surgery went. We were supposed to get there at about 8:30 am but we got there at about 8:00 am. We went in and went to the registration desk, they got us all signed in and had us go into the Ambulatory Surgery area, there we gave them my paperwork and they had us go into a room where I was told to take off all my clothes and put on a hospital gown. Then I needed to lie down on a hospital bed. The nurse came in after I was done and explained things, and made sure that I had not eaten and wasn't wearing any jewelry. She put bracelets on Kevin and on me. She got stuff to put an IV on me and tried to put it in my right hand. After getting the IV in she started the drip and my hand and my hand started to swell up. So she freaked out and called in another nurse, they took the IV out and started to get me ready to receive an IV in my left hand. The anesthesiologist came in and they had her try to put the IV in my left hand, she started to put it in and suddenly said, "Hmm, I don't like this, I don't like this." Turns out my left hand was doing the same thing my right hand had done. So she took the IV out of my left hand, at this point they start trying to figure out a new place to put the IV in, I finally tell them that I always give blood from my right arm and that it would probably present a good vein. So they tried that and sure enough it worked. They started me on a drip and the anesthesiologist talked to me about how the anesthesia would work during the surgery. She said, "You will be on a light anesthesia before the surgery and then right before we start we will give you a kick of it which will make you not remember the surgery and not feel it. You will wake up right after the surgery." She then left.

Between that time and when they took me for surgery I ended up having to use the restroom, it is strange going to the bathroom when you are hooked up to an IV. Not long after I got back a male nurse came and took me up to the operating room. When I got there I was met by a female nurse named Maria (out of everyone there I only really remember her name) she told me that they were going to have me scoot from my bed onto the operating table. As she began to help me over to the operating table I began to feel dizzy. I asked, "Am I getting drugs?" and the anesthesiologist said, "Yes, we have just started the anesthesia." After that point I remember what people said sort of echoing, and I remember them putting my legs into these stirrups that strapped my legs in. Then I remember them putting in a speculum and putting in what felt like a catheter. Then I pretty much passed out.

I woke up to the sound of people saying, "Rachel, it is time to wake up." and I felt sightly guilty as if I had just woken up from a nap at work or something. But I really wanted to continue that nap. I opened my eyes as they wheeled my hospital bed into the room I had started in. Kevin was there waiting for me. They had Kevin come out to talk to the doctor over the phone, I guess she told him that the number of eggs we had gotten from the procedure was written on my palm. There is a 5 there circled. Five eggs, I had expected more, but five is a good enough number. They gave me crackers and water and had me wait until I was more awake and steady on my feet before they let me leave.

The nurse walked us to the door. When we got to the car someone who had come out at the same time, he looked like he might have been a young doctor or something, asked us to jump start his car. The trip home made me nauseous, but thankfully I did not throw up. Got home and went right to sleep. Just woke up from my nap and wanted to get this down while it is fresh in my head. My hands hurt from the failed IVs, and my ovaries hurt, and I still feel groggy, but otherwise I am fine.

Friday, May 7, 2010

HCG Shot

Last night I had the HCG shot. I had my friend Deb give it to me. She is a retired RN so I figured she would probably be a great option for getting it done. And she was, not only is she a retired RN but she is a big night owl, so the late injection time of 11 pm was just fine with her. After writer's group we chatted until the injection time, then I mixed the HCG and we went to her bathroom to do the injection. Let me just say now, that woman is good! Considering we were using a 22 gauge needle and that it was 1 1/2 inches long and that it was an intermuscular shot (meaning the HCG went into my muscle) the shot hardly hurt at all. I was very impressed, and happy. We talked a little bit more and I asked if she would be willing to show Kevin how to do an intermuscular shot as well. My next one will be my first Progesterone shot which I will take on Saturday. She said she would come over on Saturday, once we were home from the hospital and show Kevin how to do it, she also said she would have him practice on an orange, so that he got the hang of "darting" the needle in.

Yay for good friends who can help us in such ways! Yay for modern miracles, like me having a retired RN friend right when I really needed one!

Next step, vaginal aspiration (technical term for egg retrieval) at the hospital.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Surgery Saturday

Today I had my last doctors appointment before surgery on Saturday, blood taken and internal ultrasound again. Then the nurse went through with me the information about the surgery and what I need to do. On Saturday I will need to arrive 1 1/2 hours early. They want me to fast as usual for a surgery. They want me to wear loose clothing, wear no purfume or scented lotion, not wear any nail polish. I will be put under for the surgery. I asked her if Kevin could be there for the surgery, and she said she did not know. After the surgery they want me to drink lots of water to help with recovery, they want me to take a fiber supplement, take only Tylenol for any pain, and eat lightly. She also told me that I should try to rest for the day as well. They will have me start Progesterone, Doxycycline, and Medrol. I will need to ask if they want to have me start all three of those medications on the day of the retrieval. I will stop the Doxycycline, and Medrol 4 days after the retrieval and continue the Progesterone (the intermuscular shot) until the pregnancy test.

Three days later, so Tuesday I will have the embryos transferred into me. From what the nurse said, Kevin and I will meet with my doctor before the transfer to discuss how many eggs we want to transfer. After the transfer I am to take the day easy, rest if possible. Take only Tylenol for pain. Act as if I am pregnant, meaning no heavy lifting, no un-needed drugs, basically being careful. Then 14 days after the transfer they will do a pregnancy test to see if it worked. Hopefully it does.

Got the follow up call from the nurse. I will need to have my HCG injection at 11 pm tonight. My surgery on Saturday will be at 10 am, this means that I will need to be there by 8:30 am. On Saturday I will need to start the pills and the Progesterone (Oh yay! More needles!). Monday they will call me with the time for my appointment on Tuesday.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Saturday Surgery

Nurse called, the doctor wants me to come in again tomorrow morning, which means that surgery will be on Saturday. They are having me lower my Follistim dose to 37.5 units (note to self: halfway between the 0 and the 50 mark on the pen), and keep my Lupron at 5 units. I am hoping for a specific time for the HCG shot sometime tomorrow. This should be interesting, writer's group and HCG shot all in one night. Oh and we invited more people to the writer's group, so it should be interesting indeed.

Kevin was hoping that the surgery would be on Saturday. So I am happy that it is. What a crazy week it has been.

Surgery?

Had another doctor appointment this morning. After them taking blood and the ultrasound the nurse sat down with me and talked over things with me. According to what she showed me I have 11 follicles ready to go, and two follicles that will be ready in a few more days. So they will take a look at my blood work and decide whether they want me to come in on Friday or Saturday for surgery. If they have me in on Saturday then they will loose the two most mature follicles, but they will get the two follicles that are almost there. If they have me in on Friday then they will get the two most mature follicles but not the two that are still maturing. So either way they would be getting 11 eggs.

If they have me come in on Friday I would have to have the HCG shot tonight, if they have me come in on Saturday I would have to have the HCG shot tomorrow. I am hoping to hear from them soon so that I can plan out my week. Kevin will have to take time off of work either way, and if it happens to be on Friday then I will have to take time off as well. It seems crazy that this is all happening this week. I am losing track of it all. The days are beginning to blur into each other. I will write another update once I know what is happening.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Medication Changes

As mostly a note to myself, the fertility clinic called up today with the results of my blood test, or rather not the results but a change in my medication amount. They are having me reduce the amount of Follistim to 75 units and keep the Lupron at 5 units. And they still want me to come in again tomorrow, more blood work and another ultrasound. Fun, fun!

Update

Second appointment this week with the doctor. Again they took my blood and did an internal ultrasound. Yesterday they told me to stop the Menopur but continue with the Follistim and Lupron. The nurse says that I am looking good and that she thinks I will go in for the retrieval either Saturday or Sunday. I am hoping for Saturday. I have another appointment tomorrow morning and another again on Thursday. The nurse said that I would probably take the HCG shot in the evening of whatever day. Probably around 10 pm or so. I am actually really hoping that I end up having the retrieval on Saturday, because that means I could take my shots to writer's group and get the shot before going home.

I can tell things are happening down there, my ovaries are tender. I can feel both of them when I cough or sneeze and the muscles down there contract. It is much like how things begin to hurt when you ovulate, except to a greater extent. Looking forward to having the whole process over with. I ordered some books today off of Amazon, and one of them is a book on eating right for fertility. I am looking forward to getting it. The other two books are writing books, one is about regular writing and the other is about poetry. I am looking forward to them all.

Monday, May 3, 2010

More Appointments

Went to the doctors today for my appointment, had my blood drawn and an internal ultrasound. According to what they saw in the ultrasound I have 5 follicles on the right and about 7 follicles on the left. The nurse said that it looks good so far and that I should make an appointment for Tuesday and Wednesday for follow up appointments. She said that I will probably have my surgery on Saturday or Friday, but more likely it will happen on Saturday. This means that I will have the HCG shot on Wednesday or Thursday. I was hoping they would give me a more definate time frame to plan for, maybe tomorrow. If they don't know for sure tomorrow then I should know by Wednesday, becasue if they don't tell me to take my shot on Wednesday then I will definately be having surgery on Saturday. If surgery is on Saturday then I will probably have the transfer of the embryos on Monday or Tuesday. Then come the Progesterine shots and the waiting. Not looking forward to the shots or the waiting. Each day we are getting closer and closer to the really unpleasant part of this whole thing. I keep telling myself that I can handle this pain, that I have handled worse pain before. And that all this pain is worth the chance of having children. And in the mean time I try to keep myself calm.