Stress, fear, I no longer know my emotions

Yesterday I began to spot. I have been told that spotting can be normal in pregnancy. I noticed it right before going to a friend's house. One who knows about my pregnancy, but really hadn't been able to wish me congrats in person yet. With the spotting on my mind it was difficult to be as thankful as I should have been for her congratulations. I felt unsure and awkward.

Last night was terrible. After I returned I googled "spotting at 5 weeks pregnant" of course it pulled up stories from people who miscarried. I pretty much freaked out, I prayed, I wept, and I begged for everything to be ok. This morning I called my doctor's office at 6 am, the message said they didn't open till 6:30 am. The closed office message didn't go down though until about 5 minutes to 7 am. The nurse I needed to talk to wasn't there and so I left a message. (It didn't help that last night I had a dream about going to the doctor's office and speaking to the nurse face to face and having her tell me that it sounded like I lost the baby and that she really couldn't care less) At about 11 am she called me back and told me that it sounded like I would be ok, and that if I started having severe stomach pain and cramping and began to bleed a lot then I should worry and contact them immediately. I took that to mean that if that happened then I would be definitely losing the baby. She told me to take things easy and not to lift anything heavy. I told my manager and she had the meeting I had scheduled for later that day then and there and then sent me home. The meeting itself stressed me out a good deal. And tomorrow I have another meeting that will stress me out pretty good.

Today has been weird for me. I don't know quite how to feel. I feel tired, worn out, and worried about this. I have not really wanted to talk to anyone and so I fear I was snarky at work with certain people. My father in law called and left a message to see how everything was going. I could not call him back, I really did not want to talk about any of it at that point. I still feel torn, what if it all fails, now, now that I have told everyone? I just don't know anymore...should I let things out, should I keep things in? All I feel I can do now, is keep up hope, and wait till Friday for the ultrasound. It seems strange now, I know I should be excited, like I was, about the ultrasound. But at this point I can only worry, and hope everything is ok.